A guide to Facebook romance

By Courtesy of UWire<, Body_bylinetitle>

Well, freshmen, by now you've realized which of your pre-college Facebook friendships will materialize into the real deal and which ones will result in averted gazes and Cell Phone Emergency Avoidance Assistance.

And seniors, by now you are beginning to rethink those 50 Facebook photo albums and pictures of yourself half naked, waiting in line for the keg and waving at the camera with one hand while the other makes an obscene gesture, since (crap), it's time to get a job.

Oh, the wonders of Facebook.

How much more informed we are about all the bad decisions our fellow students are making in college (and high school).

So here's a fun Facebook side-effect: It encourages the need to consider the one-night stand even after everyone has cleaned up, re-dressed and moved on.

OK, he's gone. Do I friend him? Does that make me look too needy?

If I don't will he think I forgot his name? Oh lord.

What is in my "About Me" section right now? I hope it doesn't make me look lame.

Oh no! He friended me. That was fast. Does he want to date me?

Maybe I should change my relationship status to "It's complicated."

Facebook: Forcing you to fret over your bad decisions 100 percent more of the time since 2005.

OK, let's say you got through the one-night stand without any ensuing Facebook friending.

Then, all of a sudden, your one-night stand becomes a two-night stand becomes a month-long tryst until it's Thanksgiving and you've discussed everything from the latest Palahniuk novel to the rat migration in Baltimore without any mention of Facebook.

Facebook: Keeping you on your toes for the rest of your existence as a sexually-active individual.

The Internet has forever altered the rules of relationships, starting when it first introduced the option of the e-mail breakup.

Sad but true, my best friend suffered her first heartbreak when her sixth-grade boyfriend e-mailed her, "It's not you. It's me," and did not speak to her for a month.

As if miscommunications don't lead to enough female distress, the lack of intonation and eye contact in an AIM conversation can lead to nothing but disaster.

So in this age of "<3" and "luv u," don't let miscommunications ruin your day.

It's probably time we established some online interaction guidelines. Here are a few to start:

1. Do NOT substitute showing interest by "poking." It leads to far too much confusion.

I've known girls to discuss the meaning behind a poke for days.

Please let us never have to consult our friends on this issue again.

2. E-mail break-ups are lame. Seriously, when did either of these things ever become OK?

3. Take everything at face value.

Believe me, it will save you endless headaches over the hidden meaning of the Panic! At the Disco lyrics on his profile.

4. As for the To Friend or Not To Friend dilemma of the one-night stand, let Facebook answer the question for you. If you don't know his/her last name, then it probably isn't worth the long search effort.

5. And if you're consistently hooking up with a guy who still isn't your Facebook friend, then friend him already.

All of your friends are waiting to stalk your relationship through their News Feeds, anyway.

Becky Hauss writes for The Johns Hopkins News-letter at John Hopkins University. This article is courtesy of UWire.