An idiot's guide to the Super Bowl
By Michelle Murphy
I am a girl who loves football. I'm pumped about the Super Bowl. I love the aggression, I love the excitement, and I love the tight pants. I especially love Tom Brady. He is a god: good looking, talented, bulging biceps, bulging wallet. I aspire to be his wife. I have even told my boyfriend. He understands. If he were a female, I think he'd want to marry Tom Brady too.
For those of you who are lost already, I feel your pain. I used to view the Super Bowl as more of a Commercial Bowl. I'd skip the game and pay attention to the filler, but that doesn't have to be the case. With a working knowledge of the basics, watching the game can actually be quite enjoyable. Let's start at the beginning...
There are two teams that compete in the Super Bowl (obvious to most, but we're covering all our bases here). This Sunday, in the 38th annual game, the Carolina Panthers are set to play against the New England Patriots.
The Panthers were created as an expansion team in 1993, and this is their first appearance in this prestigious game. The Patriots are one of the oldest teams in the league. They won their first ever Super Bowl only two years ago. Many of the players from that team are back this year and hungry for another victory.
The Patriots are coming into this game with a better overall record, but I should warn you, that means nothing in the world of football. Both of these teams are scrappy, both have been grossly underestimated in the past, and both have an excellent chance at winning this Super Bowl. The match should be an exciting one. When trying to impress, make note of this fact.
Unless there's some other extreme standout (we're talking Jerry Rice style) on the field, the quarterback is the most essential name to know. That may sound slightly ignorant and very elementary, but it's essential for beginners. It's the easiest way to appear informed.
My future husband (i.e. Tom Brady) is the quarterback for the Patriots. He is 26 years old, was born locally in San Mateo and attended Junipero Serra High School before going on to play football at University of Michigan. He is 6'4 with brown hair, blue eyes and an amazing smile. His arm isn't bad either. If the Patriots win this Super Bowl, he will be the youngest quarterback ever to secure multiple titles. He led the team to victory two years ago in his first season off the bench when former starting quarterback Drew Bledsoe (who now plays in New York) was injured. That's superfluous information, but might serve you well at a Super Bowl party on Sunday.Ã
The Carolina quarterback is another handsome young thoroughbred named Jake Delhomme. This 6'2, 29 year old was born and bred in Louisiana and began as a bench warmer too. The Panthers picked him up in March as a free-agent (just pretend you know what that means even if you don't) and he's been making a name for himself ever since.
Those two names should be a good start. Yelling at the quarterback when he misfires or holds onto the ball too long is always a good way to make it look like you know who's who and what's what. Yelling at the refs whenever they make a call against your team is also a good tactic; as is throwing up your hands and naming the Lord in vain when a receiver misses a catch.
As far as specifics go, don't be intimidated. I don't even think all of the players know what all the crazy rules mean. You don't have to either. If you're anything like me, you're just sitting there hoping the next down is someone's pants. (It's a tease seeing them so tight. Every time a receiver smacks the QB's butt congratulating him on a pass, I become visibly jealous.) Bottom line, don't get mixed up with the small details. Touchdowns (that's scoring for you dummies) and interceptions are the two most important things to look out for. You should be appropriately cheering or booing whenever necessary.Ã
Free reign to be unnecessarily rowdy and belligerent might be the best part of the Super Bowl. It's also an excuse to stuff yourself, bond with friends and endlessly put off homework. My housemate, senior Margaret Murray, said, "I couldn't care less about the actual game. I like the Super Bowl because it's an excuse to sit in front of the television for four hours, eat 7-layer bean dip and drink beer." This likely echoes the sentiments of many other Super Bowl incompetents. That's perfectly acceptable. You are allowed to be more interested in the multi-million dollar commercials than the multi-millionaires romping about the field.
Personally, I like both. My eyes will be glued to the television set beginning at 3 p.m. on Sunday, and they shall not be extracted until the last seconds tick away on the game clock. Keep in mind I'm biased. We Bostonians tend to be die hard fans, regardless of the sport or occasion. I threw pans when the Red Sox lost, even though I can only name about six guys on the roster.
I'm not ashamed. You don't have to be either. If you were totally ignorant before reading this article, at least you're a little bit more knowledgeable now. If you knew anything about the game before, you probably now consider yourself a bit dumber. Watch the game regardless.
Commit to memory Brady's name, Delhomme's number (it's 17), and a thousand and one insults for the refs. Above all, remember that the Super Bowl is meant to be entertaining, from the commentary to the commercials and everything in between. Crack open a beer, put away your work, and chill on the couch for a few hours. It'll be good for you.
û Contact Michelle Murphy at (408) 554-4546 or mdmurphy@scu.edu.