Athletes take the battefield as soldiers

By Jack Ferdon

Dinosaurs evolved from birds. John Madden evolved from the sasquatch. Athletics evolved from warfare.

The first Olympics were held in part so that Greek soldiers could display their prowess in skills that were important in combat - archery, javelin, running. Eventually, sports became more and more distinct from warfare, but the people who excelled at them were still those who made the best soldiers.

There were many examples of this in World War II, most notably Red Sox slugger Ted Williams. The same superhuman hand-eye coordination that allowed the Splendid Splinter to hit .406 in 1941 made him into a top-notch fighter pilot.

But would today's athletes, with their salaries that make defense contractors jealous and egos the size of the Pacific Theater, be able - or willing - to translate their success on the playing field into success on the battlefield? And do we even want them out there?

Let's see how these members of the sports world might fare in America's current war in Afghanistan:

Latrell Spreewell: Spree's proclivity for hand-to-hand combat has been well-documented - just check out the imprints on P.J. Carlisimo's neck. But not many officers will want to be in charge of him. Plus, he sucks at shooting.

Bob Knight: The drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket, to one of his charges: "You had best un(expletive) yourself or I will unscrew your neck and (expletive) down your neck." The General, during a practice at Indiana: "I'll (expletive) run your (expletive) right into the ground. You'll think last night was a (expletive) picnic." On another occasion, Knight wiped his better end in order to fire up his team. It's clear the guy has the (expletive) it takes to train our men.

Allen Iverson: The Answer has had to apologize to gays for derogatory remarks he made about them both on the court and in his rap album. He might have trouble complying with the "Don't Ask" part of the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.

Dennis Rodman: The Worm, who wrote of his bi-sexual exploits in his autobiography, might have trouble with the "Don't Tell" part.

Sebastian Janikowski: If the troops in Afghanistan smoke as much weed and dope as they do in Apocalypse Now and Platoon, then the Raiders' wayward kicker - who collapsed a few months ago while dancing at a noted drug haven in San Francisco - will feel right at home.

As Bill Murray said in Stripes, "We're American soldiers, and we've been kicking ass for 200 years. We're ten and one." That movie was made before the Gulf War, so the tally should really be 11-1. And with the way things are going in Afghanistan, it appears we're on our way to 12-1. But it won't be due to any help from today's selfish, sex-crazed, inebriated and sociopathic athletes. Where have you gone, Ted Williams?