Brew Review

By Jack Ferdon

When Jesus wanted to party, he drank wine. Churchill and Truman took shots of whiskey first thing in the morning, and Dean Martin gulped martinis through the night. Today, Anna Nicole Smith gets loaded on Peach Schnapps.

But for most Santa Clara students - with their paltry bankrolls and youthful ignorance of the world of boozing - the drink of choice is beer. Recently, a number of seniors were asked to sample an assortment of beers culled from the wide reaches of the planet and the price spectrum. These intrepid imbibers called upon the full capabilities of their brains and livers - two of the three bodily organs most important to college students - in order to find the best beer at the best price. Plus, it was as good a reason as any to get drunk.

Herewith, the thoroughly and painstakingly tested beers, in alphabetical order:

Baltika Original: Opinions were split on this one. This hearty import from St. Petersburg has a dark red color, smoky aroma and slightly bland flavor.

"From Russia with ... no, send it back to Russia," said Dave Mason. But Marko Buric liked it.

"I give the commie lager an eight," Buric said. Baltika's alcohol content of 5.6 percent gives it a little more kick than most lagers. You can get 27-ounce bottles of it at BevMo for around three bucks.

Czechvar: Known as Budweiser Budvar outside the United States, this Czech lager was withheld from American drinkers for years by Anheiser-Busch's evil copyright lawyers. As a result, it achieved an almost mythical status in the States as the beer "the Man" doesn't want you to taste. Czechvar is actually nothing special - and its alcohol content of 2.8 percent will cause some to ask "What's the point?" - but it beats out Bud any day. "It's a good international replacement for Bud," said Buric. "It's what Bud wishes it was."

Henniger Premium: "It tastes like a cheap Warsteiner," said Mason. That's not good. But it's really cheap - six pints for three bucks at Trader Joe's - and with an alcohol content near 5 percent, it'll get you drunk.

Kirin Ichiban: The Budweiser of Japan is being produced by Budweiser in the United States and now - shockingly - it tastes like Budweiser. Kirin is of interest if only because it has the most alcohol of any lager that can be bought at Safeway or Albertson's. And it's not terrible. "I usually only drink Mexican beers," said Rick Rivas. "But this one's okay."

Lagunitas Maximus IPA: During Britain's days as an empire, English brewers made their pale ales so they would ferment slowly as they were shipped to India and with high amounts of hops to ward off wild yeasts, hence the name, Indian Pale Ale, and its biting, bitter flavor. Lagunitas, from nearby Petaluma, offers this mild but flavorful IPA (with an alcohol content of 7.5 percent). It was well received, but, as Mason said, "It's not as good as Sierra Nevada."

Lev Lion: A crisp and strong lager from the Czech Republic region of Bohemia, the birthplace of Pilsner (a golden brew that has come to be the most mass produced of lagers). Lev got high marks from all who tried it. Get a six-pack of it at BevMo for eight bucks.

Lucky Lager: A flavorful cheapo brewed in Washington State that is easier to find in Canada than here. But the Canucks don't get their Lucky in 11 oz. grenade bottles with picture puzzles printed on the caps. You can only get it at Save Mart on El Camino.

Miller High Life: The champagne of beers is often likened to urine due to its yellow color and mildly nauseating flavor. But our testers thought it deserves a place of honor in the pantheon of crappy beers.

"I'd drink it over Natty or Keystone for sure," said Dom Pelusi. High Life is also the beer that Farva pukes up at the governor's banquet in "Super Troopers."

Nautica: The NAFTA beer. It's Guatemalan swill that BevMo has installed as its new house cheap beer, replacing Fat Cat, a domestic that had a lot more kick.

"Why import it all the way from Latin America when you can have Coors Light?" asked Dan Figoni. The reason: $2.99 for a six-pack. ¡La cervezaes es barata!

Pabst Blue Ribbon: Pabst was the biggest brewery in America before Prohibition hit and it held on to that title through the end of World War II. Today, PBR can lay claim to a more admirable moniker: the best tasting of all the beers that cost less than 40 cents a can.

"It's a very distinguished beer," said Alex Stanford. "It goes great with brunch."

San Miguel: A great tasting lager from the Phillipines, where the brewery was started by colonizing Spaniards. San Miguel has been called the beer that "makes every man a tiger and every woman beautiful." And it's cheap - five bucks for a six-pack of bottles at Trader Joe's.

Samuel Smith Nut Brown Ale: Samuel Smith could be the Black Label of breweries.The English company's brewing methods are said to have been influenced in the 1770's by Joseph Priestley, who is sometimes called the father of chemistry.

The Nut Brown Ale was the runaway favorite of all the beers tested and Smith's Oatmeal Stout is even better.

"I love the way the beer tasted in my mouth," said Buric.

Schlitz: The beer that Farva wanted to get at the governor's banquet. Schlitz is brewed by the same jokers who currently make Pabst.

"It tastes just like the keg beer you go drink after you're already trashed and you can't taste anything," said Mason.