Campus community creates couples for a lifetime

By Colleen Coghlan

As students choose marriage with their college sweethearts, it appears that Santa Clara University is not only home to the Broncos and Jesuit traditions, but proves a breeding ground for young love among alumni and current students.

From the early days of freshman year, students are urged to explore their personal definitions of "community" as they now experience life in residential learning communities and the unique attempts of the student body to create a sense of community among the campus as a whole. But while students explore these aspects, it is in these years that they also discover the joys and obstacles of relationships both among friends and loved ones. It is these years in college that define for many the basic boundaries and solid sense of what is necessary to make a relationship work.

"I think that our university years are when we really learn how to have relationships with people," said Marlee Carlson, class of 1996. "We learn how to make friends and how to fall in love or out of love. I learned a lot about honesty and integrity."

Carlson is not a minority in her confession of learning how to fall in love in her university years. In fact she, like many Santa Clara students, married another student from the university. According to the Alumni Association at Santa Clara University, an estimated 445 couples are alumni from the university that graduated between the years of 1990-1999. To put this in perspective, in nine years alone, approximately 900 students from the university are married to fellow students, breaking down to an estimated 100 students per class or 50 couples. Although these numbers are not exact, they are worthy of note.

Many meet and build relationships with their closest companions within the confines of dormitory hallways, Wednesday and weekend-night parties and classrooms.

"We had a really close community there in Swig 5, a good group of about 20 of us, and during those years I had a lot of friends in long term relationships," said Eric Berghoff, class of 1986 and 1989 MBA, who married Madeline Desmond, class of 1987. "Those were the best years of my life!"

While these aspects of college life are familiar among campuses everywhere, it appears as though Santa Clara inspires many to maintain these relationships past those four years, especially for those young loves that develop.

A Santa Clara education strives to teach the person as a whole, and through four years of core and various major classes, a student's set of values and beliefs may have remodeled or improved in various aspects. It is these values and beliefs that one brings to a romantic relationship.

"I think commitment, and self realization and actualization," Whitney Bauter Fambrough, class of 1996, married to a fellow classmate, said when asked what features of Santa Clara she has implemented into her marriage. "There is also a sense of discipline you learn-how to judge studying, friends, boys/girls, social commitments and being successful at all. This parlays into our life now, trying to juggle business, work, family, home and friends, which helps us be successful in life."

While many alumni decide to move outside of Santa Clara after graduation, many decide to return to the Mission Church one more time for the wedding. However, the popularity of the Mission Church leads to the long process of waiting lists and the strictly enforced rule that marriage within the Church requires at least one alumni or a staff or faculty worker. Although this process may deter some, Charlie White, the Director of Mission Church, finds that those returning to the Mission are predominately alumni versus faculty or staff.

When asked what it is about the Mission that makes students return, White said, "I know for a fact that if they were regular attendees of the Sunday worship, they have a very strong connection with the mission. It has a magical energy for them. I think there is a fair number that come here because the building is traditional and is very photogenic and they love the gardens because they are so well kept, and so for them there's a sense of the picturesque-ness of the location."

White is correct in assuming that one's sense of religion is important for those returning to the Mission for marriage. Marcy Redmond, class of 2005, has plans to wed fiance Kyle Ostrom '05 the summer after graduation in the Mission Church.

"I am a Catholic and go to Mass at the Mission Church, and sometimes Kyle goes with me," Redmond said, "We thought it would be an appropriate place to get married because we met here, will graduate from here and have enjoyed the beauty of the Mission gardens together."

While some couples meet during their years on campus, many married couples have met after Santa Clara. It is here where the unique bond of Santa Clara community continues to draw people together. The Alumni Association of Santa Clara is putting on an unprecedented event that may promote future relationships and marriages among Santa Clara alums.

The name of the event is yet to be determined but the Bronco Match and Santa Clara Singles are two that have been tossed around. The event will allow Bay Area Santa Clara alums a chance to network as well as a chance to build early foundations for potential relationships.

This event may prove successful for the Alumni Association as meeting one's spouse after graduation is another common scenario. Vytas Ankaitis, class of 1991, met his future wife after an alumni event held by the soccer team. He now knows about 15 couples who married and met through a Santa Clara connection. "None of us got together as undergraduate," Ankaitis said.

The possibility of finding true love after life at Santa Clara remains a prospect, yet with the help of the Alumni Association and evidence showing couples have met and connected afterwards.

"At Santa Clara, I learned to have an open mind, to trust faith and how to build strong relationships with people," said Carlson. "All of these things have been implemented into our relationship, we have gone through many trials as a couple . . . and our faith helped us to get through it together."

Although life at Santa Clara ends for many after four years, the values and traditions instilled within those four years appear to last forever.Marcy Redmond and Kyle Ostrom plan to marry in the Mission after graduating.Essential rules for a healthy, happy breakupSummertime is finally at our doorstep. The weather is warm, take-home finals are being assigned and men and women across Santa Clara are finalizing those precious summer plans. Some of us are graduating, some going home, some braving the Santa Clara summer and still others are setting out for East Coast internships or adventures abroad.

We're all going our separate ways, at least for a few months, which inevitably means the separating of more than a few campus couples. Here are a few rules to live by for those of you parting ways with that special someone.

1. Cut them off: For the rare couple out there, just being friends might actually work. But usually, someone ends up getting hurt, and it often leads to those long, drawn-out break-ups that are tantamount to Chinese water torture. Yes, being friends sounds nice, and it saves you from having to quit your ex cold turkey. But almost inevitably, one person isn't satisfied with friendship, one person gets hurt when the other starts dating someone else or you drift back into your old couple pattern out of convenience. You do not want to be with someone because you're convenient. Be cordial, be polite, but do not try to be best friends.

2. Destroy the evidence: It's hard, but hide the pictures and mementos and take their number out of your cell phone. Most importantly, delete their screen name from your buddy list. This will prove to be the secret of your happiness in the days and weeks ahead. You may see no harm in checking their away message now, but you do not want to read "I heart Katie/ Matt" the week after you break up.

3. Show your friends and family some gratitude: No matter how well you think you're holding it together, the ones you love are still suffering with you. Whether it's a roommate who comes to the rescue with a gallon of ice cream after you get off the phone with the dreaded ex (after you disobeyed rules one and two), a parent who has humored you through 50 "why doesn't he/she love me?" phone calls or a friend from home who listens to you rant for an hour (at 3 a.m.) about how over him/her you are, they are heroic. Tell them how much you appreciate it.

4. Be selfish: You've spent the last several weeks/months/years compromising and giving half your energy to someone else. It's time for you to put everything into yourself. Savor having your weekends free and not having someone who'll be mad at you if you don't call enough. And take yourself shopping â€" a lot.

5. Do not get into another relationship right away: This may seem like a good idea. It's a sign you're over the breakup, right? Wrong. Think about who you are and what you want before getting involved with someone else. You want a relationship that stands on its own, not a replacement or a crutch. It makes things easier, but you're just setting yourself up to go through it again. That said, a cute friend to hang out with couldn't hurt.

û Contact Jane Muhlstein at (408) 554-4546 or jmuhlstein@scu.edu.