Can love be arranged?

By Divya Malik

I was in India during my winter vacation when I got together with an old family-friend, Ruhi. Because I was so excited to see her, I decided to surprise her at her home. But I think I was more surprised when I saw her than when she saw me. With a diamond ring shining brightly on her left hand, Ruhi exclaimed she was getting married the following month -- at 21, she is only two weeks younger than I am.

I realized that Ruhi would soon become a part of the arranged marriage tradition. Arranged marriages are not only a custom in South Asian countries such as India, but are also practiced in countries in Africa and the Middle East.

In the most common procedure of an arranged marriage in India, the parents of a woman or man actively seek out a mate for their child. When they have decided on the best possible mate for their son or daughter, they hold a meeting where the two children meet for the first time.

The meeting is usually no longer than an hour. Then a decision is made between the two; if the children like each other, the parents will continue with their marriage preparations.

I was in utter shock and disbelief as Ruhi showed me her engagement photographs and her wedding attire. As an American, I could not imagine coming home one day and finding my parents casually sitting with someone they thought I should marry.

Despite being of South Asian descent and a product of an arranged marriage, I still do not fully agree with the custom. I know arranged marriages are still very common practices in a number of areas, yet I had never met anyone who was younger than me being subjected to such a fate.

I truly wanted to know why I could not comprehend this practice. So I began to think. What was the biggest difference between Ruhi and myself?

I was not going to settle for the answer, "I am too Americanized to understand."

I realize that our separate experiences have shaped Ruhi and I into two completely different individuals. People who grow up in the Western world are constantly bombarded with the idea of finding their "true love." The belief that fairy-tale romances do exist is depicted in countless Disney movies that show a prince and princess falling hopelessly in love and in shows like "The Bachelor," where a handsome bachelor searches for true love in groups of beautiful women.

This unrelenting journey to find "the one" is ingrained in our minds and integrated into society. As we search for this special person we encounter others who shape our experiences and teach us what we are -- or are not -- looking for. Ultimately, we hope we know ourselves well enough to not only know what we want but to also know when we have found it.

While the concept of true love is present in some cosmopolitan cities of India, it has not spread throughout the entire country. Most children grow up with the notion that their parents will find a suitable mate for them.

These children do not have the experience of dating or attempting to find the one person that they can love forever. Therefore, they posses no standard of their "perfect" mate or what it means to find true love. They simply create their standards as their marriage evolves.

The reason for my lack of understanding may lie in the fact that my experiences in the Western world have allowed me to create a standard of whom I wish to marry, as opposed to individuals such as Ruhi, who allow their parents to find a suitable mate for them to spend the rest of their life with.

Despite my inability to fully accept the tradition of arranged marriages, I have realized that one is not better than the other. Every culture has its own customs and practices and it is only just to respect these cultures.

How the marriage was formed does not matter, as long as both individuals are happy and enter the marriage with the desire to build a long lasting relationship that will continue to grow through the years.

As I mentioned before, my parents had an arranged marriage 40 years ago; I look at them today and realize that any couple can maintain a healthy and strong marriage full of love, as long as both individuals are willing to work hard to do so.

Divya Malik is a senior psychology and political science double major.