Celibacy: In five easy steps

By Christopher DaCosta

My high school had an extensive range of clubs. Perhaps my favorite, in which I failed to note my participation on my college applications, was the "Ugly people get more sex than me club." We recorded meeting minutes comparing the fruitlessness of our members' sex lives to the bountiful pleasures experienced by sexually active band geeks -- the variety who went to band camp, I presume.

Maybe we didn't physically record them, but visions of the mentioned band geeks provided psychological scarring sufficient to maintain a mental tally. The group disbanded (for obvious reasons) and started college.

Here, attractive, sunny people temper the climate, year-round -- without any band geeks in sight. The same can't be said for the actual climate, which for most, is definitely a cause for fornication frustration. Winter has delivered its harshest blow to date and it has nothing to do with the onset of recurring midterms. It seems that widespread sexual activity is dangerously low or ceases during winter. Whether due to bear-like tendencies to hibernate through all the classes offered this quarter or the lack of aphrodisiacs available this season (The Hut is working overtime and will serve the next horny senior in fall 2007), sex is becoming difficult to come by.

As we spiral further into the depths of this coitus-devoid inferno known as winter quarter, I began to wonder why everyone's loins are a-quivering despite there being nothing to anticipate. The buzz on campus says it's the glimmer of hope presented by the potential for a Valentine's Day roll in the hay. Others just insist upon shaving their legs out of habit. Good maintenance is key -- you never know when someone's going to take you out for a test drive.

Those of us who haven't declared a moratorium on sex are desperately mourning love's labors lost. Composure is difficult to maintain but drawing from ancient Bacchanalian doctrines, sex-salvation is near with Celibacy in Five Sexy Steps:

* Soothe your urges by running naked through Mission Gardens -- both you and the Jesuits won't recover from the shrinkage. Ever.

* Mrs. Palmer has five sons (or daughters) that I'm sure you'd love to get to know.

* Relive your first and most embarrassing sexual foible.

* Google "chlamydia."

* Don't worry, you'll get laid during Spring Break.

* Contact Christopher DaCosta at (408) 554-4546 or cdacosta@scu.edu.