Combine deficient in questions of character

By Bruce Martinez

Well, it is NFL scouting time and some of the nation's best college football players are being poked, prodded and put through the paces. While the wonderlic test and a man's 40-yard time are crucial to determining whether he should be drafted late in the first round or early in the second, there should be other tests to determine a person's viability in the NFL.

Potential draftees should undergo testing centered on other aspects of their psyches. They should be tested on their ability to celebrate after a long touchdown. They need to be able to refer to themselves in the third person in an appropriate way. Use of the second person in one-on-one SportsCenter interviews is also encouraged. I would also test their playing abilities under various substances. I wouldn't waste a draft pick on a player who couldn't play stoned.

Dodging paternity tests should be emphasized, for the player that dodges them best will be the player who doesn't have to travel to three states on Father's Day. An athlete's ability to stay on prescription drugs should be tested because a GM wouldn't want a Barret Robinson on his hands. The player that handles the seamier side of his life best will be the player most likely to perform well on the field.

If possible, I would test a person's money-spending habits to find out who is most likely to blow his bonus on a customized Mercedes Benz and who would be likely to invest it wisely. A distracted player is a player that can't remember offensive and defensive schemes.

Lastly, I'd ask one question: "Would you suit up for the Oakland Raiders?" If they said no, I'd continue to evaluate their potential to be drafted by my squad. If they said yes, I would have my secretary forward their criminal record and history of substance abuse over to Al Davis and his people and I'd move on my merry way.