Confusing game of hockey provides outlet for the unathletic

By Grant Hughes

I am a sports fan. I check scores and read stories on ESPN.com more often than is healthy for a normal lifestyle. Nothing interests me more than hearing Peter Gammons explain how the Twins' Jacque Jones has turned into one of the American League's premier leadoff hitters. I could happily argue all day about whether or not Texas' Rafael Palmeiro deserves to be in the Hall of Fame (he does). I think it's great that Annika Sorenstam is playing in the Colonial. I'll not only tell you you're an idiot, I'll use bullet points to explain why. I love sports.

Loving sports isn't just about having opinions though, it's about understanding them, really knowing them. Which is precisely why I loathe hockey with a passion. Hockey makes me angry. I don't understand it. Don't get me wrong, I know the rules. It's the appeal of the game that confounds me. I have no idea who's running the NHL, but he must be a genius. Hockey, to me, is one of the world's most elaborate tricks. It looks like a sport. It acts like one, complete with contract disputes, greedy owners, and rabid fans (in Canada). How then, can I devotedly love sports and not care if the NHL folded tomorrow? And how are there people that like it? It just doesn't make sense, so I'm going to try to work this out for my own benefit.

The marketing is terrible. Your typical sports fan has no idea who the players are. This problem is only augmented by the fact that half the players' names are near impossible to pronounce. Even professional sports anchors struggle with hockey names. Can't you just hear Linda Cohn stammering, trying to blurt out Maxim Afinogenov (Sabres) or Frantisek Kaberle (Thrashers) on Sportscenter?

The teams move to different cities three times a week. The only things more frequent are the bankruptcies and subsequent launches of expansion franchises. How many teams are there now? 58? I hear Boise doesn't have a team yet. Could we get one out there?

Ultimately, the problem with hockey for mainstream sports fans is that it's an alternative, and learning to like it has to start early in life. Remember that kid from your soccer team who became painfully slow overnight and couldn't keep up with everyone else? That's a hockey fan. Remember the guy who was picked last to play basketball because he always fouled everyone? That's a hockey fan. They kid who couldn't hit the curveball when little league pitchers started throwing it in fifth grade? Hockey fan. Hockey provides an out for kids who can't or don't want to play the same sports as the rest of their friends. Think about it and notice that your typical hockey fan probably hates baseball, basketball, and football. But always remember, hockey is a trick on many levels. These kids have no idea whether they're any good when they start playing hockey as an alternative, because there's nobody to play with. They score a lot of goals on that empty net in the driveway because potential goalies are all out playing football. So they like playing it more, and become fans. It's a real confidence builder that way. Maybe I should have given it a try.

So, to all six of you hockey fans out there, best of luck to whoever your favorite teams are during this year's Stanley Cup Playoffs. I bear you no ill will, I just don't understand you. We can still be friends. For my money, I've got the Whalers over the Nordiques in five, unless Gretzky and the Oilers somehow knock off the Minnesota Stars and sneak into the finals. That would be something, wouldn't it?