Embrace the deliciousness of the freshman 15
By Anders Loven-Holt
There was a time, long before yours and mine, when the freshman 15 was a privilege. A time when Keystone wasn't light and flavored syrups still had sugar. A time when early-college weight gain was not a dreaded expectation, but a license to eat an extra 50,000 calories and act surprised that your prom dress didn't fit anymore. A better time.
It's time to embrace this rite of passage again. It's not as though freshmen don't gain the 15 anymore, they just have far less fun doing it -- it's natural law, it's disgusting, and it can't be warded off by resolutions and infrequent trips to Malley. So don't be dragged down the long slope to sweatpants -- sprint willingly!
I know that some of you are confused by all the conflicting dietary advice circulating through campus. It's OK -- I've put together some keys to making your shameless chubbification thoroughly enjoyable. Remember, like any good lifestyle plan, it requires dedication to both diet and exercise.
Food
This is paramount to your success. I've broken down all the best options into categories, with the number of meals needed to reach the big one-five included.
* Benson
There are plenty of great ways to use all of those dining points. Start with Market Square -- it's open all day, and there are plenty of relatively unhealthy choices you can make. Fifty orders of nachos, 40 double Bronco burgers with bacon and fries or 60 salads with popcorn chicken and ranch will all do the trick. Yum.
Cellar Market also has many good options for a night on the couch. On your left as you walk in -- past the fruits and vegetables -- you'll find plenty of bulk candy. Weigh out a pound of your favorite, and grab a Rockstar on your way over to the freezer. Scratch your Ben & Jerry's itch with a pint of cleverly named sweetened fat. Head back home and enjoy while sedentary. Repeat 24 times.
* Burritos
This is easily the best way to get fat. Unfortunately, the on-campus offerings are somewhat sparse, highlighted by the delicious but elusive breakfast burrito. Luckily, the Chile Verde burrito at Henry's Mexican Grill is only a few blocks away. Packed with cheese, pork and that intangible heart-attack quality, this burrito is one the most convincing arguments for the existence of a benevolent god. And paired with a 22-ounce Corona, you're only 38 meals away from success!
For a change of pace, La Vic's burritos have a different flair and can be smothered in their delicious orange sauce. And now less than 10 minutes away, Chipotle's infant-sized bundles of joy are national favorites. Fifty burritos from either and you're well on your way.
Booze
Alcohol is great because it has lots of calories, is always on hand, makes you unreasonably hungry and seriously cuts down on your ability to metabolize fat. So it's OK if you drink light beer or mix cocktails with diet soda occasionally, because chances are you'll more than make up for it with the meals you've already eaten and all the goodness you're about to consume.
* Drunchies
It's hard to explain the beauty of a basket of mozzarella sticks at 1 a.m., but anyone who has been there needs no further explanation.
On campus, there's no better place than the Bronco, especially after Market Square discontinued its vaunted steak sandwich. There's really no need to explore the full breadth of the menu -- an order of mozz sticks, jalapeno poppers and a personal pizza is all you need. When you return to order more fried cheese as you wait for that pizza to come out, pick up an ice cream sandwich as well -- they're unrivaled. Repeat 19 times and you just might need to lengthen the wristband of your watch.
The Bronco, however, is no match for Jack in the Box. It's open 24 hours, and it's only a two-minute drive away -- and it's Jack in the Box.
If you can find a sober buddy who's willing to put up with you at 2 a.m., you've found a true comrade, one who will still drive you to Jack in the Box even once you can only fit into that old baggy sweatshirt. Order a Sourdough Jack with onion rings and a Coke 31 times, and you're almost there.
Alternatively, Taco Bell is disgusting, but probably open and within walking distance. With enough determination, the over-priced menu of faux-Mexican "food" should suffice -- 294 crunchy tacos will do the trick. Use at your own risk.
Exercise
In short: Don't. You probably don't have a car, and this might tempt you to walk places you'd like to go. Don't do it. Stay in, have beer and a quesadilla. Have two. Watch a movie. You played sports in high school, but you probably don't anymore -- this is good. If you're considering going out for a club team, try not to, and instead limit your physical excursion to the occasional game of touch football on Kennedy Mall.
You still have to walk to class, which is not optimal, but chances are, you grab a cookie and a soda in Benson on the way through -- way to keep your eyes on the prize.
Malley should not necessarily be avoided entirely, but try to keep activities limited to ping-pong and watching the lobby television. Remember, if you cheat your diet, you're only cheating yourself.
After you've reached your goal, your new body may cause you temporary bouts of doubt and low self-esteem. These emotions, while unfounded, may cause you to gravitate toward the salad bar or join an intramural sports team to convince yourself that you haven't fallen completely out of shape. Don't worry, you haven't. You've jumped. And it has been the most glorious descent of your life. Now cheer up and go get yourself some Henry's.
Contact Anders Loven-Holt at (408) 551-1918 or alovenholt@scu.edu.