Farewell and good riddance 2009
By Timor Brik
The year 2009 may be known as the year everything almost happened. Sure, Michael Jackson died, but like Tupac he'll still be releasing new songs 10 years from now. Tiger Woods gave us a scandal so boring it made watching golf exciting. The Persians would have had their revolution if a cowboy was still in the White House. Oprah gave us an expiry date, Brett Favre retired from retirement, and not for the last time either (see Michael Jordan).
Tea Parties were held in Washington, D.C., to protest reform efforts whilst Bostonians relived their tea party as the Yankees refused to spread the World Series wealth. The Swine Flu pandemic spread slower than the Y2K virus, shutting down beer pong competitions worldwide. We realized that policies of hope and change were as meaningless as global warming conferences during winter blizzards. Anderson Cooper did not stop Tweeting! Comedian Al Franken became a Senator; look for Dane Cook to follow suit next year.
Millions of men became single overnight as they lined up for the latest "Call of Duty" video game. Tarantino owes me $8 and three hours for sitting through Inglorious Bastards; calm down artsy people, it wasn't that good! The United States was winning the Confederations Cup until Brazil remembered that they were playing soccer and surprised no one by winning. Again. I thought I saw Jimmie Johnson turn right, but that was just a couple of crashes. As gas prices fell, Smart cars were being donated to monster truck shows and the new Prius remained ugly. CNN got bored of Iraq and decided to launch a 'surge' of cameramen into Afghanistan. Everyone used the phrase "in this economy."
Tim Tebow cried on national T.V. Somebody called 911 again after McDonald's ran out of nuggets.
President Obama was constantly making history simply by being historic. I'm from a place where apartheid was once a reality, so when Santa Clara denounced the Notorious P.H.I. party as more racist than Al Sharpton, I could not help but laugh. If this was racism, where could I get more? Allegedly, Susan Boyle produced a hit whilst Chris Brown hit Rihanna. Allegedly. Twilight ruined dating for male teens, forcing them to read the books on their Kindles just to have something to talk to girls about -- go Team Jacob!
Facebook continues to serve as a tool to count how many friends you have and ruin potential job interviews as you stand there posing like Captain Morgan.
If one thing did actually happen in 2009 it was the reintroduction of the fist pump. I will unashamedly admit that we TIVO Jersey Shore in my all-male household and eagerly await the show's second season, Oakland Shore.
2010 looks promising however; the Canadians will fulfill their destiny and host the Winter Olympics; I'm skipping graduation to attend the Soccer World Cup; we all get to answer questions about our eating habits in the Census; LOST concludes its final season by introducing a new hatch; VH1 will show us the 'Best Songs of the Decade'; and you may meet a politician you'll never vote for during the midterm elections.
With many challenges, perhaps hope wasn't so bad after all; we could use some of it looking forward to next year. Hope that the unemployed find jobs again, hope that stocks and houses increase in value, and hope that those returning from war zones overseas do so safely. We all have our diets which started on January 1 and ended on the 3, but goals are a good thing to have nonetheless. Good luck achieving them this year.
Timor Brik is a senior political science major.