Finding the ethics of a hook-up culture

By Jessica Coblentz

"Going out, getting drunk and sleeping around, that sort of thing -- that whole aspect of college."

This Buddhist student's observation of the student body's "sex talk" echoed throughout the numerous student interviews I conducted for my Hackworth Fellowship at the Markkula Center this year, transcending boundaries of class year, religion and social circle.

All students were interviewed with the condition of anonymity, and are identified solely by their religion, both in my study and in this story.

"(Hooking up) is something that's talked about on Thursday morning. You know, who did what," confirmed another student, a Muslim.

One need only spend a few hours in Benson to discover it: Students are talking about sex -- a lot -- and often publicly disclosing details that can make an eavesdropper blush as bright as our own Santa Clara red.

If the content of my interviews were limited simply to the who, what, where and when of Santa Clara's non-committal hook-up culture, as is much of the day-to-day student sex talk according to my interviewees, then I would probably conclude that students' ethical beliefs about sex are determined by pleasure and pleasure alone.

If two people decide to "randomly hook-up" because it feels good, then it is good.

But the interviews I have conducted have convinced me that students' ethical discernment about sex and other forms of physical intimacy is far more complex than popular conversation might suggest.

We are not just "thinking with our genitalia," as the saying goes. Students are thinking with the brains in their heads, too -- they just don't seem to be talking about the ethical components of sexual decision making with their friends so candidly.

When I asked students how they would respond to a friend seeking advice about whether to begin having non-marital sex, none expressed a concern for libido, or how wild the actual physical encounter would be.

On the contrary, the vast majority of students said that the participants' motivations are a central factor in the moral permissibility of sexual intimacy.

According to many interviewees, mutual attraction and consent, both unquestionable necessities, are often not enough to make a sexual encounter morally permissible. There are other provisions, too.

"Is it because you want to have sex because you really love the person and you really want to be with them?" questioned a Catholic male.

Throughout the interviews, numerous students expressed a concern with the commitment level of the relationship at hand, and the couple's expectations for the future of their relationship, beyond mere sexual encounters.

Students, especially females, listed safety from pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases as an expectation in ethical sexual encounters.

"You should be safe about it," said one Jewish female.

A Buddhist female listed numerous provisions in this regard: "Making sure she's not going to get pregnant, she's using contraceptives of some sort and getting tested."

If many students think the legitimacy of sexual encounters depends on far more than mutual sexual satisfaction, than pure pleasure, then why have so many students also observed that sex talk rarely surpasses superficial gossip?

If students tend to care about the relational, emotional, spiritual, mental and moral well-being of friends far more than their sexual satisfaction, then why do our daily conversations reflect very different concerns?

In response to the genuine ethical concerns I have heard in interviews and the student panel discussions I have facilitated with the Faith, Sex and Ethics Project this year, I would like to suggest that students start talking about sex seriously.

This is not to say that sex talk shouldn't be fun, but it should not compromise the hopes and expectations we have for one another. Our conversations contribute to the environment in which we must attempt to make ethical sexual choices.

Therefore, we must consider whether we are making it harder for our friends to make healthy, ethical decisions when we do not share with them what really matters.

Think about it, seriously, and while you're at it, ask what your friends think.

Jessica Coblentz is a Hackworth Fellow and a senior religious studies and philosophy double major.