Google fails to uphold motto

By Matt Dollar

Google, America's favorite search engine, has done two interesting things lately. It has refused to turn over records of child pornographers to the federal government, and it has agreed to censor terms like "democracy," "Falun Gong" and "human rights" from the version of its search engine used in communist China.

Google's corporate motto is "Don't Be Evil." But why does that need to be their motto? To whom does the slogan speak? Is Google telling me not to be evil? Or are they reminding themselves not to be evil? Isn't the concept "don't be evil" so obvious that saying it aloud raises suspicion of duplicity?

And why would a search engine company need to remind itself not to be evil? Isn't a search engine just supposed to search? How is searching good or evil? What else besides searching was plaguing at the consciences of Google's founders when they felt the need to urge themselves not to be evil?

And why is "evil" curiously undefined? Does "don't be evil" mean don't assist the Department of Justice in the prosecution of child pornographers? Does "be good" mean assisting the communist Chinese government in the suppression of democratic speech?

Maybe I'm just reading into things a little too much. Maybe Google's activities are just an innocent mistake, and it's only cooperating with communist China's suppression of thought because it doesn't know how bad it is to live under a totalitarian regime.

Hobbes says that humans don't know how to follow the golden rule until they have had something unpleasant inflicted upon them.

So, I propose that the government educates the chairman of Google about the virtues of totalitarianism and democracy.

I call it the "Show 'em Why It's Naughty" Initiative, or SWINe Initiative. Though the details have yet to be finalized, it will work something like this:

The chairman of Google is walking to his car after brunch at a nice Palo Alto bistro when he is abducted by FBI agents and taken to the local police department. The FBI agents bludgeon him for several hours, and then force him to sign a false confession. When the Google chairman is finally allowed to return home, he contacts his lawyer to file suit against the government.

But remember, we're teaching him a lesson here -- so the lawyer gets abducted and beaten up by the FBI as well! And the judge throws out the case! And when the Google chairman returns to work and assembles his top executives to tell them about the terrible things that are going on, he is surprised to see that some of his VPs are missing, and that government agents have attended the meeting in their place!

When the Google chairman slumps to the floor and almost throws up in his own mouth, overwhelmed with a sense of vulnerability and paradise-lost, the agents get up and yell "Gotcha!" Then they help him up, pat him on the back and tell him about the SWINe Initiative.

The Google chairman bashfully admits that he has learned a great lesson. The board meeting concludes with everyone sharing in song and goodwill, just like in the closing scene of "It's a Wonderful Life."

Yay! Everyone learns about the value of democracy.

I support the SWINe Initiative over outright deportation to communist China, because I'm an optimist and believe that most people can reform when convinced of the error of their ways. But until the SWINe Initiative is passed, we should all take steps, as customers, to "show Google why it's naughty" as best we can.

And since I wrote this article, I am no longer clicking on advertisements on Google's Web pages, and I am gradually weaning myself off of their search engine -- and all other Google services.

Matt Dollar is a sophomore economics major.