Guide to clubbing: beauty in the breakdown
By Mayka Mei
I am a professional clubber.
This series is all about the dancers' nightlife in the area. I'll be reviewing the Bay Area's hot spots. Taking a cue from E-40: "Tell me when to go" and I'll check out a place for you.
Before we get started on the regular reviews, we must establish some rules. No one likes a party-pooper. Likewise, no one wants to babysit a first-time clubber. So if you're planning on getting your grown (wo)man on and don't know how or when to start, cut this article out, pin it to your corkboard, and allow the information to marinate. Internalize these steps and you, too, will become a wise clubbing master.
Dress
Everybody, though your eau de toilette may wear off before the evening's over, never underestimate the power of deodorant.
Clubs are rarely well-ventilated ,which means there's a lot of sweat going around, and it's not just yours.
Just wear whatever you're comfortable in, keeping in mind that your outfit will be less-than-fresh later.
Ladies, despite what you may have come to believe, halter tops were not made for everyone. One of my dreams is to go through a club with a pair of scissors. In this dream, I snip-snip-snip the back of every skanky-looking girl's all-too-bearing top and let out a maniacal laugh.
Should I ever finally act upon such whims, don't let that trick be you. You have to earn the halter top, either through physical health or individual confidence. "Halter top" does not mean "free ticket to hotness."
Also, if you have ever said anything along the lines of "I can't walk in heels" or have ever been considered a klutz, you are officially banned from wearing high heels or boots to a club.
Dancing is not the appropriate activity for your crash course in wearing demanding footwear. It is more likely that you will step on some poor female's sandaled foot and break her toe. Ouch.
Gentlemen, depending on what you're looking for on a club night, always be prepared for what I call "the shiny shoe rule." Many club promotions companies make specific notes on their flyers and Web sites that prohibit uber-baggy jeans and athletic shoes.
What? No athletic shoes?
Yes, it's true, and with good reason. Usually, the promoters are trying to "up" the profile of its party crowd. To them, sneaker-free equals classier clientele.
In some situations, the club facility itself is actually trying to minimize the wear-and-tear on its floors, which is why there's always one guy in line who gets turned away on account of wearing boots.
If the thought of being parted from your comfy sneakers for a night is too much to handle, consider this: Would you want a drunken dancing doll to spill Jaeger on your Air Force Ones?
On a final note for the men, do not tuck in your button-up shirt.
Arrive
Clubbers' commute -- How are you getting there? Possibly even more important: How are you getting home? Assign a designated driver (DD), if necessary.
Also, know where to park. It's fun to be able to claim "player parking" by locking your car at the curb in front of the venue, but do consider all the inebriated and possibly ill passersby.
Do you drive a convertible? Don't leave the top down.
Do you drive, period? Stow your valuables away for safekeeping.
Parking ain't always free. Bring crisp $1 bills in case you're limited to mechanized parking toll booths. In terms of what's nearest to Santa Clara, downtown San Jose's public parking is free after 6 p.m.
Ladies' clubbing clothing tends to be pocketless. If you are the female DD for the evening, have a male friend hold your keys.
If you're on a "girls' night out" and there are no trustworthy storage options, tuck the keys into your shoe or sock, clip the key ring to the waistband of your underpants or tuck it into your bra cup.
Guest list -- Privileges and door times vary from party to party. If you're completely dependent on making the guest list time, plan on being at the venue half an hour to an hour earlier than the deadline specified.
Chances are you'll be in the club when there are only two other people on the floor, but at least you'll get in for the cheaper price.
Cover -- One cannot always plan his or her evenings around guest lists, in which case one ought to have a general idea of how much each club costs and whether or not it's worth it. A fairly safe starting price for weekend cover is $5. The most you ought to be paying for cover in downtown San Jose is $15, but of course you can always find more expensive, exclusive places. Interestingly, the cheaper spots in San Jose are smaller and less mainstream.
Coat check -- This service is entirely optional and not available at every club. Some places charge you $3 per item while others merely have a tip jar. Appropriate gratuity is $1. Keep in mind that at the end of the night the line for claiming coats and bags can be horrendous.
Ladies, do realize that your handbag, however cute it is, takes up space on the dance floor. You're probably unknowingly smacking some unsuspecting person on the back, neck or head. If you've got a pointy purse that you can't fathom leaving at home, check it.
Restroom attendant --
Tip 'em.
Frisking -- Guys, be aware.
Dance
Boys and girls, there is such a thing as a bad dancer, and unfortunately, they are far more common than good dancers. Now, we're not talking about studio dancing here. I have seen studio girls go into the middle of a cipher of dancers and bust out their fouettes. This is what we call "ridiculous."
Honey, just 'cause you can do the technique required for "Images" does not mean you can get down with the get-down.
Club dancers are of a different breed. Clubbers are in control, they're addicted to bass and they can work the ups as well as the downbeats. If you watch a circle of chill-looking clubbers, you'll notice that they seem grounded.
They may or may not be there trying to find their next hook-up, but they seem completely untouchable and at ease. This is because they know how to dance. Their moves may not be flashy, but they're confident and solid.
Trashy club dancers flail their arms and try to feign flexibility. Newsflash: doing the splits is not a dance move. Trashy club dancers also tend to be their own cheerleaders hollering at their own moves. That's just annoying.
Also keep in mind that touching the floor with anything that is not your feet is not sexy if you're falling over. As a final note for the ladies: Nothing screams "I'm desperate" more than excessive girl-on-girl freaking.
Relax. Not everyone was born to freestyle or be a B-boy or B-girl. You don't need much variation in order to get by in a club. Just get a hold of the rhythm, know what you're capable of, or steal some easy moves from the next clubber over.
Pimp
Given that everyone has their own M.O. when it comes to attracting and seducing someone else, my general takes on how to correctly get your mack on in a club are:
Guys, don't be sleazy. "Sleazy" is pursuing a target who is repeatedly telling you "no" straight up. If they push you away for the third time, you have gone way too far. Abort, for goodness' sake.
Girls, if you are dealing with a sleazy guy, create a signal with your friends and be ready to "save" each other.
And please, don't be sluttish. People's definitions of "slut" vary. If you do not know yours, I suggest you make the time to take some personal inventory.
If you are dealing with a sluttish girl, keep in mind that club lights are designed to make everyone more attractive and promoter photographers don't care to save you from internet embarrassment.
From here on, it's all about you and your clubbing crew. I hope you have a great, carefree club night. Let me know which hot spots you would like reviewed and we'll make it happen.
Until then, keep your eyes open for my next installment, "Why I Hate Studio 8." If you would like to join me on my clubbing excursions, e-mail me for an application: m1mei@scu.edu.