How to be a college student
By Maggie Beidelman
For some, being a college student is about getting wasted every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday night. But really, it's a bit more than that.
This step-by-step, foolproof guide can help any newcomer to the college scene be mistaken for a sophomore (or junior or senior):
1. Eat Ramen. Don't bother being the "weird" kid who rides his bike to the intersection of Homestead Street and Scott Boulevard to get fresh (and cheap!) vegetables from Farm Fresh Produce. Pull out that nutritious packet of noodles and salt and microwave away.
2. Make yourself at home. Wherever you go, wear sweat pants, flip-flops and the new Ruff Riders T-shirt. When you enter somebody's house, throw yourself on the couch and flip on the TV while simultaneously reaching into the open bag of Sun Chips on the floor. College is about the closest thing we're going to get to socialism in America, so we might as well take advantage of it.
3. Play video games. Have nothing to do? Upload a classic version of Counter-Strike or Halo on your laptop. Better yet, download some World of Warcraft and zone out everyone else in the room -- it's a great way to cultivate mock relationships and become popular on the Internet.
4. Learn to love the color red. It's all about the red cups. It doesn't matter what's in them -- Keystone Light, rum & Coke, pure vodka -- as long as it's red, and not those black or blue cups that have tried and failed to make the grade. College students are all about colors. Just think about it: It's the red cup that causes the blackout and the green face in the morning.
5. Don't clean your bathroom. If there's one thing that college students are known for, it's their serious lack of cleaning abilities. If you want to imitate this sorry state of life -- for then you will truly be like any other college kid -- put away the paper towels and bleach. Let the shower mildew and the toilet yellow. Allow the sink to turn a rusty orange. Only when the attractive mass of tiny hairs on the floor are mistaken for a black bath rug can you truly step back and say, "OK, now I am a college student."
The truth is, there is no appropriate behavior for a college student. This is the one time in our lives when we can practically do whatever the hell we want and get away with it. Being a college student means having perhaps the most access and ability to make our dreams reality.
So go ahead. Eat Doritos with peanut butter. Lead a protest in the Free Speech Zone. Sunbathe while doing calculus. Discuss Fair Trade and human rights while sporting a hot pink backpack. We're in college, people. Do what you want, and be proud.