HOW TO KEEP A GUY FOR TEN DAYS
We cordially hope all our fellow singletons had a happy Valentine’s Day. For those of you in relationships, kindly f-off.
Some presume that part of womanhood, maybe even personhood, is pining, wanting for a companion, lover, for your semi-obsessive Malley Crush to notice you. You’d even settle for validation via a mediocre-looking man asking for your number at an indiscernible frat party this Friday, or a revolving door of hookups carefully selected from the cream of the crop that lingers at DaSilva’s Bronco for the last four weeks of the quarter, etc.
Because what is a quarter at Santa Clara without a viable class crush? And if you don’t have one, what is there to do but sit around wallowing in your lack thereof?
Well if you’re stuck pining . . . be stuck no further, as I crown myself an aficionado of all things romantic.
Design by Diego Acevedo
My mother, hearing of my trials and terrors of Santa Clara flings, lets out a long sigh supplemented by a shake of the head. A far cry from disdainful, but certainly disappointed.
“It’s just that I’m sad hearing of all these people when nothing works out,” she says, as if I hadn’t wanted these things to work out either. It’s as if I hadn’t chosen Santa Clara with the sole intention of graduating betrothed to a rich breadwinner former frat president who will curdle, grow lumpy and chunky within five years and start cheating on me with his secretary within three.
Maybe we can all learn something from my mom’s investment in my leaving college in a relationship: that fulfillment lies, solely and completely, in getting a man.
Well, if in need of salvation, look no further! Here are 20 ways to keep a guy for 10 days:
If he seems to only want to hang out to hook up, he’s probably just shy about getting to know the real you. Show him by going over to his frat house the next time he texts “u up?” at 11:45 p.m. on a Tuesday night.
Prioritize him over your schoolwork to show him how much you care. He’ll always put his engineering-businessy-computer stuff before you, but that's because men are genetically breadwinners and smarter than women. Plus, for us ladies, college is just about finding a husband anyway.
Feeling self-conscious? Don’t tell him that! Contrary to popular belief, he will not hold you in his arms and affirm you, but rather become disgusted with your insecurity and view you as flimsy and weak. Instead, maintain a strong exterior and hide all senses, affections and passions from men.
Stuck between the rock and the hard place of loneliness and a frat date event? Just go! How bad could it be?
The greatest romances of all time start with a two-month talking stage. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s meet-cute was actually a three-month situationship. And now they’re married and rich!
If you see him talking to other girls in passing periods, leave him be. He’s probably just talking to them about how much he’s in love with you and asking for advice, or, better yet, using them as practice for talking to you!
Does he always make you pay for dinner? He’s probably a feminist (heart eyes!).
If he compliments you, says anything vaguely nice to you or wants to engage in physical contact for a purpose other than getting his rocks off, he’s probably gay. Stop viewing him as a viable prospect.
According to science, he will instantly fall in love with you if you forgo the use of a condom (this is why they don’t have them at Cowell!).
If he's still on Tinder after three months of what feels vaguely like dating, he’s probably looking at how beautiful you are compared to the other girls.
If he seems to have no real shared interests other than having sex with you, he is so a keeper. This one’s pretty self-explanatory.
Send nudes to that one vaguely attractive Pike crush if he asks for pics. When he says he won’t show his friends, you should definitely believe him–trust is the foundation of a good relationship!
Go for a pledge. They are so dreamy.
Scientifically, girls with boyfriends cannot feel sad ever. It's like deus ex machina. If you’ve been told a boy will fix you, it's true! Prioritize keeping him over your happiness for instant eternal fulfillment.
Don’t show him your personality! Guys don’t like girls who have hobbies, interests or a sense of humor. If he asks what you do for fun, smile subserviently and tell him how much you love cooking, cleaning and homemaking.
If he stares at you in a way that borders on violating, that’s just his love language <3
Does he say things that toe the line of homophobia? Ignore it and let him utilize his right to free speech. He’s just in touch with his masculine side.
I hear a lot of the guys in SigPi are really nice people.
If your class crush always seems to meander over at The Hut and invite you home with him for subsequent activities but ignores your existence entirely in class after having seen you naked, he’s probably just shy.
98% of Santa Clara Graduates meet their spouse at DaSilva’s Bronco–so if he asks you to “go outside to talk,” go for it!
If any of the previous advice seems viable to you, I encourage considering a hiatus from your love life; spend ten days with yourself instead. Toss romantic copulations: men, women, the lot, in the garbage (except maybe just men).
I hope you can figure this out on your own, but all my science is made up. Use a condom, even if they’re censored by Cowell.