How to land a hot date in three days
By Christopher DaCosta
You're walking to your 9:55 after a tequila-tastic Wednesday night of debauchery. Suddenly, a familiar apparition rapidly approaches. It's too late to slyly veer left and it's too late to grasp for your cell phone. The beast has caught you. That's right, the mistake, more commonly referred to as the Unfortunately Garish Looking Youth you hooked up with yesterday, or for convenience's sake â€" the U.G.L.Y Hookup, is headed your way.
In the midst of all the lookers, the U.G.L.Y Hookup is rather prevalent on this campus and even the best of us have encountered one or two along our journey here at good old Shag-me-Clara. I too, have felt the incestuously filthy shame of on-campus relations. Alas, no more. I have pledged to avoid brief trysts with other Broncos to avoid the awkward cameos that inevitably follow the next day.
So there may be some potential love interests whom we'd all rather forget, but how about actually finding a Valentine to make this Saturday worth remembering? Sure, single, sassy and sexy might be the look you're going for, but let's face it, the "confident spinster" schtick ain't foolin' nobody. You know you want someone to buy you a trendy build-a-bear dressed in your likeness. You know you want someone to grope you in public. You know you want to fall in love for once in your twenty years on this damned planet.
There are 72 hours until V-Day (Valentine's Day, not the release of the Vagina Monologues) and gaining a lover in three days is no easy feat, but there's hope yet. You can rely on my trusty insta-date field guide (it worked for me, I'm satisfied with my spunky beau).
1. Now that it's officially dating season, you must actually wear real clothes to class. Forget that shapeless Abercrombie hoodie and save those hideous flannel pajama bottoms for when you're going to bed alone. Instead, attract singles with something more svelte and streamlined. A muscle tee perhaps? A little cleavage action? Bare that skin shamelessly.
2. Location, location, location! What type of lover are you looking for? Hotties are found on prime real estate. Position yourself wisely when cruising for potential suitors, otherwise you could be subject to unwelcome advances from the undesirables, for instance, the Orradre geek.
3. Some people have it, others don't. I'm talking about the all-essential item in the dating game plan: the entourage, the posse, the unit â€" whatever you want to call it. It's the key to seeming "in-demand" â€" surrounded by a bunch of friends. You must learn to look like you've got it all when roaming with your pack: friends, fashion and flawless skin.
4. Seize the dating day. Having the threads, the scene and the clique all help in the soulmate search but ultimately, it's confidence that counts. Approach that Adonis over by the dumbbells in Malley, chat up that leggy lass waiting to receive her daily elixir at Mission Bakery, but whatever you do, don't just stand there!
û Contact Christopher DaCosta at (408) 554-4546 or cdacosta@scu.edu.