IM hoops require Bronco-ade

By Jack Ferdon

The greatest thing in the world is playing intramural basketball in Malley. Here is a game day regimen guaranteed to make your intramural experience a success:

9:15 a.m. - Sleep in. Skip all your classes. Watch reruns of "Golden Girls."

1 p.m. - Watch game film of tonight's opponent. Or, if you do not have that, watch reruns of "Mama's Family."

4 p.m. - Go to campus to get some honeys to come to the game tonight. You can try being courteous or complimenting them, but what seems to work best is smoking cigarettes and making lots of physical contact.

6 p.m. - Stand in front of a mirror and make your headband look just right. Try to go for the Ben Wallace look rather than Bonzi Wells.

7 p.m. - Apply fake tattoos to arms, then cover up the tats with bandages, LeBron James-style.

8 p.m. - Prepare Bronco-ade - a special athletic drink indigenous to Santa Clara - for the game in a cooler with a spout. Ingredients may vary, but Squirt, Franzia Chablis, Albertson's vodka, peppermint schnapps and a 40 of Country Club are all key.

9 p.m. - Roll over to Malley. Drink the Bronco-ade. Plug in stereo and get the beats bumping. Anything by Too Short or Def Leppard will work. Drink more Bronco-ade.

10 p.m. - Game time. Screw your teammates - put it up whenever you get the ball. Be abusive to refs when need be. Drink Bronco-ade.

10:30 p.m. - Halftime. Drink Bronco-ade to prevent dehydration.

11 p.m. - Celebrate victory. Drink Bronco-ade.

11:10 p.m. - Too much Bronco-ade - time to puke. Sure, you could do it in the toilet, but you might miss the bowl. Instead, yak into the Malley pool. Don't worry about it. The chlorine will disinfect everything.

That is how we do it in the 408.