Keep it quiet, please!
By Christopher DaCosta
Sunday morning, I found myself sprawled out on the couch, eagerly lapping up VH1 commentary about Aaron Spelling casting Heather Locklear as the micro-miniskirt-wearing bitch on "Melrose Place."
The pop culture special feature regaled me with tales of an apartment complex bursting with lecherously hot 20-somethings who back stab and bed-hop. I was instantly taken back to my underclassmen days when living quarters were cramped and disrespectful sex was rampant.
We've all had disrespectful sex, know someone who has or soon will. What exactly is this "disrespectful sex," you ask? I define it as noisy and obnoxious copulation which leaves nothing to the imagination for surrounding roommates, friends, neighbors, parents or sicko pervert stalkers. Whether it's a moment of mind-blowing, chest-beating passion or just sheer negligence, disrespectful sex always pushes the too-much-information-quotient for innocent bystanders.
Allow me to illustrate. Two years ago, as an unwitting sophomore, the trek back to Casa after a hedonistic Saturday night was often an arduous journey, usually consisting of a stop at The Bronco for my fill of greasy tripe, followed by the pocket pat-down for the all important Access card.
One night, while my friend performed his routine self-frisk for his card, we became a reluctant audience to a disgusting oral cacophony. We instinctively both looked skyward as the voices resonated from an open window, bouncing off the walls, echoing toward Sobrato. This was more than we ever wanted to know about this hall-mate and her boyfriend's sexual predilections.
Simple pre-mating precautions can be taken to avoid having the world know who your daddy is. While you never know when the urge will strike, it's best to become intimate with your residence's schedule of activity.
If desperate times call for desperate measures, engage in a combination of the following activities: Try chaining the door behind you, closing all windows, switching on the fan, blasting the stereo and flipping on the television.
Send the message loud and clear, in a non-lewd way. These insurance attempts may be dead-giveaways, yet they effectively reduce any audible whimpers of arousal.
If you live in a dorm, be mindful that there are people living below you. You might want to invest in a hammock if you don't mind throwing some Kama Sutra into the mix, otherwise move the mattress to the floor. This mood killer will at least allow your downstairs neighbors to rest easy knowing that the world isn't caving in on top of them.
*Ã Ã Contact Christopher DaCosta at cdacosta@scu.edu.