Kids team learns big life lessons

By Jack Ferdon

I like to help out in my community, so this spring I'm coaching a Little League team.

Through baseball, I teach my 10-year-olds the most important lesson in life: winning is everything and if you don't win you're a loser. That's why at our first practice I pointed out the five worst players and told them they could forget about getting any playing time this year. Then one of the kids, Stumpy, started to cry and I encouraged the rest of the team to laugh at him.

I also teach my kids not to be dorks. Last practice, Charlie was lying in the outfield just daydreaming and looking at the sky.

He said to me, "What if the sky turned green instead of blue on Fridays?''

I told him that he was a dork and to get off the grass before I told the other kids what he said.

Another time, I overheard Ernie saying he was going to ask out Debbie from his class.

I told him, "Whoa, Ernie. You're too buck-toothed and ugly to hook up with her. You'll probably have to settle for some fat pig."

And I've made sure that my kids will never smoke crack. I know that those anti-drug ads on TV don't work and that kids only respond to reverse psychology. So I bought some crack from this guy who hangs around the park and made everyone on the team smoke it.

I said, "This is the only hit Stumpy will have all year."

Sometimes I hear irresponsible people say that coaches are ruining youth sports with their brutal tactics. I disagree. The children are our leaders of tomorrow and I don't want tomorrow's leaders to be dorks and losers.