Natural faculty attraction

By Christopher DaCosta

Four weeks deep and I'm already counting the minutes to Nov. 8. Twenty-five days until I plot my GPA with an unrealistic upward trajectory. 600 hours until I craft the perfect combination of courses to allow four-day weekends. When is winter registration?

My back-to-school optimism is dead. The en-route-to-class fashion shows have ceased as people transition to sweat-suit attire. Worst of all, classroom eye candy has lost its flavor. The revival of barely-there mini-skirts and suggestive tees isn't enough to keep the average Santa Clara co-ed going to class. So what is?

While slurping down Benson soup, fellow seniors and I lamented our loss of youthful exuberance. No longer can we attend class with the same vigor as the '08s. We're hardened by the time-consuming rigors of Capstone and the incredible disappearing job market.

Then, a friend broached the unmentionable, the ultimate taboo which conjured visions of Mary Kay LeTourneau dancing in my head. Well, not that bad. Definitely not that bad.

"I love him," she said. "He's mine and if any of you touch him, you'll die," she added, in an eerily somber tone.

Before I could clarify, my other lunch buddy interrupted.

"Don't worry -- I'm in love with my professor too."

Um, OK. I shifted uneasily in my seat.

"Ohmigosh, he is so dreamy," she continued. Just then, an infatuation I secretly harbored, which I labored ever so hard to block from my memory, surfaced. The Ph.D., the vast stockpiles of esoteric knowledge, the sheer volume of published works and oh, the tweed coats! I too, was guilty of being faculty attracted.

Professor crushes are natural and innocent. I've found that such mild obsessions are precipitated by one of three shortcomings in the student possessing the crush.

One is a weakness for professors well-versed in any ancient language -- proficiency in non-native tongues adds spice to class. Another shows masochistic tendencies, as crush-worthy professors are often the most demanding. They will probably reward your flattery and office hour attendance with a C-minus on your next paper.

Last, a commanding respect for authority makes you more susceptible to the charm and allure of an in-control professor. Watch out, all you submissives!

My friends and I ended lunch feuding over who was the most favored by their professor, touting our victories like merit badges. Yes, we're sad but when the clock struck 1 p.m. we all had a reason to be in class.

*Contact Christopher DaCosta at cdacosta@scu.edu.