Optimist critiques Hollywood flops
By Jamie Ellison
Whenever I see a movie I try to be an optimist. People around me whine about how it has to be the worst movie they have ever seen. For whatever reason, I tune them out and attempt to make the best of it.
Take Sweet November, for example - a truly horrible movie. But the supporting cast and costume design somehow make it all worthwhile to me. Don't get me wrong - I don't absolutely think every movie is praiseworthy, oh no. That's the sad part. I will sit and think about a movie for days and conclude that yes, it just sucks. Here is my top five list of movies that suck; movies that make me wonder how the directors got any money at all to finance them.
Message In A Bottle: I have seen more chemistry between two parked cars in the F lot than between Kevin Costner and Robin Wright Penn. Not only am I sorry to say that I have seen the entire film, I have actually read the book as well. It's true. So considering my expertise on the engaging plot I can say that the screen adaptation team didn't have much to go on.
The Beach: Did I miss the part in the preview that cautioned viewers to do drugs before watching? I have never seen a movie so disconnected from reality in my life. One minute they're jumping into the warm waters surrounding a Thai island and the next they're jumping over toadstools in a video game? Nothing can save this film.
Unbreakable: The critics said I'd be thinking about the movie for days after seeing it. What's to think about? The "what if it's all one big conspiracy theory" idea has been overdone. Perhaps the star-studded cast could have contributed if they'd had any meaningful dialogue. It's quite possible that Bruce Willis had no more than four lines in the first 20 minutes of the movie. Tough break.
The Wedding Planner: It took me about 11 minutes to search for validity in this film and about two seconds to give up. Honestly, if anyone can see the logic from scene to scene, please let me know. You can't really hand the fault entirely to Jennifer Lopez' futile attempt at characterization. The worthless editing job ruins the movie all by itself.
Here On Earth: Under no circumstances should you see this movie. From the talent-free acting to the incoherent setting it is a downward spiral. Just before the moment where you get off the couch to turn it off, the director brings you death, love's most worthy adversary. Enough said.
Feel free to express your anger with my choices when I see you around. Physical violence is not encouraged, though.