Riding out the spring heat wave
By Maggie Beidelman
Heat wave! Are you ready for today's predicted temperature of 103 degrees Fahrenheit?
Take a look at your outer apparel. Then, take it off. If nothing else, this steamy weather finally gives those skin-baring gals and shirtless guys an excuse for their scantily-clad escapades.
Consider wearing one of those sumo wrestling suits with the built-in fan. This encompassing costume will both cool you down and save you from the painful peeling of sweaty skin from plastic chairs. Becoming one with your chair is not recommended in Zen Buddhism.
After that hour and 45 minutes of suffocating in the fires of hell that is the unairconditioned O'Connor Hall, grab some ice blocks and slide on your chilled fanny down the hills outside Mayer Theatre. Think of it as a selfless act of eco-friendliness, as you are consequently watering the grass.
A Slip 'n Slide in Mission Gardens placed strategically in front of the statue of Jesus would provide a refreshing setting for spiritual reflection.
In defiance of this earth-scorching sunshine, take this opportunity to plant a petunia -- they can take the heat. Better yet, start your own greenhouse. But don't forget to water the Seattleites -- they might burn up with the overdose of sunshine.
The Park Central pool will obviously be overcrowded, so why not pool your money with some equally toasty colleagues and purchase a kiddie pool? "Kiddie" is just a label, it means nothing.
Let me just put this out there: You probably won't get arrested for breaking into Benson's walk-in freezer. Just hope the employees don't decide to teach you a lesson.
Take refuge in the library. It's so new and hip, it'll probably serve you snow cones on silver platters.
If all else fails, and you find yourself stranded in the middle of Bellomy Field on your trek home to your resort at Domicilio, take this newspaper and fold it into a fan.
Start by folding a one-inch margin of the paper upward. Then, fold another one-inch section upward, flipping the paper as you go. Repeat. You will be making a sort of life-saving, silent accordion.
Once you have folded the entire paper, pinch one of the long sides together at the edge, open up the folds on the other end and enjoy its cooling powers.
As the renowned Liverpool quartet told us, "Here comes the sun, and I say, it's alright."
Today's heat wave will be alright. Just be smart. Stay indoors unless you are sprinkler-testing, don't sleep in a parked car and drink water as much as possible, especially during Sunday's Bay to Breakers.
At least you'll have another excuse to run naked (as if you needed one).