Sam's a sure bet

By Bruce Martinez

See I've got this friend named Sam Banks. Sam Banks has got a problem: All he's ever experienced is losing. In fact, you could call him a not-so-lovable loser.

Sam Banks says this losing began when his club swimming team finished second nine straight times during the '90s. During this period, Sam also managed to bet on the Bills (in the Super Bowl) during their four tumultuous trips there, and was on the wrong side of the coin during each Chicago Bulls playoff series. Sam's betting skills are so poor, his bookie refuses to let him bet on the Harlem Globetrotters.

Sam's still upset about how as soon as he moved away from Sacremento, the Kings became successful and upon his arrival in Denver, John Elway retired and the Broncos quit winning Super Bowls, entering the Brian Griese era.

Right about this time, Sam started getting greasy himself, he quit swimming, and succumbed to the horror of the In-and-Out Burger Four-by-Four sandwich on a nearly nightly basis.

The place where women used to reside in his life has now been replaced with an obsession with his fantasy sports teams, which have yet to crack the top 10,000.

Through the '90s, the decade which reduced Sam to his current sad state, he has continued and says he will continue throughout his life to passionately root for the Cubs, the only franchise with a guarantee. A guarantee to break your heart. It really can get no worse for Sam.

I ask you, beloved readers, during this crowded month on the sports calendar, that you keep Sam in your hearts and prayers, and keep the Santa Clara women's soccer team their too, because Sam has picked them to win the national title and we all know what this means.