Segways a useless investment

By Anders Loven-Holt

There aren't many things I dislike more than the smell of curry, and most of them are related to the OMIS class I took last quarter.

Among those things is unbridled stupidity, and it seems to be in abundance on campus this time of year. As I was plodding toward The Bronco the other evening, my path was crossed by something that I thought could only exist in a bizarre, dual episode of "Reno 911!" and "Arrested Development."

I immediately gave chase to see if it really was Gob wearing a bike helmet, but it turned out to be one of the Campus Safety officers I have come to know and love riding one of the new Segways that were recently purchased by the school.

While I may regret making light of this situation if I am ever pursued by one of these new vehicles -- which can travel around tight corners and up small steps at more than half the speed that a normal human can jog -- I can't help but wonder how a fleet of self-balancing scooters rose to the top of the list of items that would make this campus more secure.

I'm not saying that the interests of the student body and university spending are grossly misaligned, but perhaps an appropriate description of the relationship between the two is offered by a Segway review on Epinions.com, which states that owning a $6,000 scooter indicates that a person "has more money than he knows what to do with, less self-awareness than he ought, and a very forgiving wife."

Much like the group of curious researchers who injected LSD into a 7,000-pound elephant in the early 1960s, the purchase of these Segways is as fascinating as it is stupid.

It is disappointing that an institution with so much to gain from potential academic and social improvements is patrolled by expensive mobility devices that aren't even popular in the retirement villages of coastal Florida.

In addition to being ridiculously expensive, the Segways do nothing for the stature of a campus safety force that already receives far less respect and appreciation than deserved from the students that it is commissioned to babysit.

They are an aesthetic faux pas in the league of new spring styles -- yacht-wear inexplicably inspired by the wharfs of Nantucket -- as well as that gold statue of books that wandered out of the children's section and into the foyer of our new library.

I am hard-pressed to think of any other transportation device that succeeds in being less intimidating than a Razor scooter and only slightly more practical.

The elephant discussed above died shortly after the dosage in a fit of seizures. While the jury is still out on the scooters, I wouldn't hold my breath for any valuable use to surface. Consider your tuition money well spent.

Anders Loven-Holt is a sophomore economics major.