So, what are you doing next year?

By Mariesa Kubasek

For the first time in two weeks, I finally called home.

"Haven't heard from you in a while," my father noted.

"I've been busy," I replied.

Before he could say another word, I dove into the conversation, describing just how busy I had been. I elaborated with anecdotes about my classes, friends, programs and events. I went off on my trademark philosophical tangents. Patiently, my dad responded with the appropriate "Oh, how nice," or "That sounds like a lot of fun." And then, it happened. I ran out of things to say. And it was his turn to talk.

"So," he began, adopting the tone that all seniors can sense will lead to the next inevitable question, "what are you doing about next year?"  

Here it was, the real reason I hadn't called home. Ask me any other question, and I'll readily respond in excruciating detail. Ask me this one, and I am silenced. Flustered, I spouted a few key phrases: "career fair," "cover letter," "informational interviews."

I struggled to think of more business jargon, hoping it was enough to evade any more discussion. But my dad edged in with reminders and proffered advice.

This is not to suggest that I had been sitting on my laurels, concocting stories about career fairs to mollify my parents.

I had been handing out my resume like free candy, hoping that prospective employers would give in and call me back. But opportunities felt scarce, despite my efforts. Talk of the future made me antsy, even anxious. I told him I just had to go.

"Like I said, I'm busy."

"Well, alright but, you know…"

"I know, Dad. I told you, I've got this. Love you, Bye." I hit the "end call" button, relieved and yet acutely aware that the feeling was only temporary. Soon, the ever-present dread would resurface. Well, maybe "dread" is hyperbolic…

No, let's call it dread. And as graduation swiftly approaches, that existential dread we experience, and the subsequent avoidance we all participate in, feels ever more palpable.

Some of my friends disappeared during fall quarter as they re-learned algebra for the GREs and memorized logical proofs for the LSATs. Some of my other friends commiserated with me about taking a year off to work and save up for grad school (which type of grad school, though, remains a question.)

And still other friends poured over applications for year-of-service programs. But I noticed that even the most determined and organized student who stuck to her plans, groaned and rolled her eyes when asked, "So, what are you doing next year?"

Since freshman year, we've believed in the dichotomy of the Santa Clara Bubble and the surrounding Real World. As the years have passed, we've occasionally stepped outside the Bubble.

But we've always been able to return, once again resuming the routine of class, gym, library, party on Bellomy Street, sleep, repeat.  This year, we must come to terms with the notion of stepping outside the bubble permanently. And despite vacillating reports about the economy, we are confronted with an array of routes to pursue. Right now, we're all waiting for the answers that will determine our first few steps.

Grad school, a year of service, a 9-to-5 job…all of this is just one small step toward a horizon filled with even more questions swirling around us.

Which schools will we get into? Where will we be placed? Who will we live with? How will we pay off our loans? Will we still see each other? Will we succeed, or will we get stuck? Are we really pursuing our passions, or just grasping at something to do?

It has been said that our generation delays the typical milestones of adulthood. There are even those who suggest that we are evidence of a new developmental period in a person's life.

But eventually, we will approach these milestones. This inevitability seems to add more gravitas to the decisions we make now. And so, a seemingly innocuous, oftentimes well-meaning question strikes us silent.

Because we know that once we answer it, out in the Real World, a million more questions will crop up to take its place.

Mariesa Kubasek is a senior philosophy and political science double major.