Spend a day with The Griff

By Bruce Martinez

Jose Canseco.com is auctioning off a day spent with Jose Canseco at his south Florida home. The winner will receive instruction in power hitting and karate and will enjoy a backyard barbecue-style cookout. All of this will of course occur alongside Jose Canseco, a man who once dated Madonna, ranks 26th on the MLB all-time home run list and, most importantly, had a home run bounce off the top of his head and over the fence.

Soon I will be putting on an auction of my own. The highest bidder will be allowed to spend a whole day with The Griff, your intrepid and eloquent sports editor, my successor and also a fine human being.

Your day will start out early, with you showing up at The Griff's to wake him up for class at 7:30 a.m. or so. Or you could come over at 11 a.m. and tease him for missing class again. From 11 until noon, you will check The Griff's fantasy sports teams with him and witness his deep unsettling anger at how certain players will perform. During this time, it is crucial to be supportive of his obsession with the Cubs.

From then until 5 p.m., you will eat lunch at either Taco Bell or perhaps the Clucker. If you are so fortunate to have lunch at the Clucker, be fully prepared to drink at least a gallon of a yeast based beverage, a tasty beverage if you will. The time not spent eating will be spent napping and watching ESPN news.

The rest of the evening is up to you to plan. You may choose among a swim in the pool, games of Madden football, a screening of the "Royal Tenennbaums" or "Rushmore" and many other activities. Bidding starts at a mere $25 and transportation will be provided.