Spirits haunt new Commons

By Christopher Foster

Kennedy Commons, the university's new "green" building, is apparently unattractive to students who refuse to study in the hay-insulated, self-sustaining edifice. The foundation, laid on an old Native American burial ground, has resurrected ghosts who claim the building for their own, driving students away.

When asked why no one studies in it, Kennedy Commons was remorsefully silent -- saying nothing, and yet, saying so much. On the issue of green buildings in general, Kennedy Commons had no comment.

Built on a Native American burial ground dating back to the mission days, the building, perhaps, is too spooky for some.

But Sitting-Crow, the Kennedy Commons resident Native American spirit, encourages students to take advantage of the environmentally friendly building. "It has a complete kitchen and a really snazzy oven," he added.

Aislinn Wyatt, a Scorpio and desk receptionist in the new Kennedy Commons, describes her working environment as "eerily silent" and "ghastly." "In the violently piercing silence, sometimes I hear the doors locking themselves or mysterious whispers tempting me to do very bad things," she said with frightened eyes.

When asked what she meant by "bad things," Wyatt had no comment.

Sitting-Crow postulates that students in Dunne, Swig, McLaughlin and Walsh just aren't that "into studying." "Frankly," he added, "I am not convinced that the students around this fine, green building are completely literate. I blame the situation on the high density of frat and sorority girls in the surrounding halls."

When asked if he feared retaliation for denouncing and deriding frat boys and sorority gals, Crow laughingly said, "You think they can read? You think they know what 'denounce' and 'deride' mean? Do you think a bunch of popped-collar, semi-drunken, trucker-hat-wearing frat boys could scare a warrior like me?"

"The worst they could do is TP the building: I wouldn't recommend that though," Crow said as he raised his warrior spear.

And while a sizable Native American population resides in the newly built, newly neglected study areas in Kennedy, other ghosts have made the interspatial, xenon-hyper-space-transfactorial journey (which is how all ghosts travel) to take advantage of the environmentally friendly aspects of the haunted building.

John Wilkes Booth, famous for assassinating Abraham Lincoln, is just one of the celebrity ghosts interested in Kennedy's sustainability. "I have always been a big proponent of clean, renewable energy and I am glad that Santa Clara has made this commitment. When I'm not evading hordes of unrelenting Union soldier ghosts, I like to take advantage of the superior grade, stainless steel oven in the kitchen."

Booth, who was making a pink-frosted "I'm sorry" cake for President Lincoln's ghost, commented on the building's lack of students. "I don't know why students wouldn't want to use these quaint desks and orthopedic chairs," he said. "Does anyone study at this university or is everyone in the business school? Why would they go to the library? That place is full of flies and it gives me the creeps."

Junior Stephanie Edwards, who has class in Kennedy Commons, recalls with horror the legions of lost Civil War soldiers who heckle and catcall her while she walks to and from her class.

"There is always this one creepy southern general guy who keeps asking me to help him clean his vintage cannon. That's just plain gross. I don't need that," Edwards said.

The Civil War spirits have also been tearing the tape protecting Kennedy's lush lawn. The fresh grass, slowly sloping upwards, reminds these fallen soldiers of Marye's Heights at Fredericksburg, Va., where 144 years ago 18,000 Union and Confederate soldiers gallantly gave their souls to their creator and watered the flower beds of freedom.

Regardless of the spirits' eternal struggle, the community seems aggravated at the destruction.

But one resident welcomes the soldiers. "They may be raging with locked heads for all eternity, keeping me up with their booming artillery, the rattle of musketry, and the cacophony of charging cavalry, but at least it isn't as bad as the construction of the Kennedy Commons," commented sophomore Dunne resident James Tait.

"I mean, every morning at eight I thought the ghosts of the Enola Gay were re-enacting Hiroshima, but I guess that was just the construction crews planting gardens on the roof of the commons outside my window," Tait added.

So, although sharing the Commons with ghosts may seem overwhelming, as an institution committed to social justice, we owe these troubled souls our full cooperation. We should be willing to sit side-by side-with these fallen, perpetually wandering beings and crack open a text book, proud of our connection to the spiritual realm.

Christopher Foster is an editorial writer for The Santa Clara.