Storing books (and bodies) in the ARS

By Humor by Christopher Foster

Due to rising construction costs, Santa Clara's proposed "Library for the 21st Century" featuring more student study space is behind schedule and over budget.

But the already constructed Automated Retrieval System may just be able to help fund the entire project itself with an alternative usage that Santa Clara staff has hesitated to share with the student body--the cold storage of human remains.

The ARS, an integral part of the vision for a "Library for the 21st Century," will have the capacity to store 1.1 million volumes, approximately 20 year's worth of growth, the university said. It can also store an undetermined amount of corpses waiting for mortuary attention.

Surplus revenue generated by the ARS's alternative use might be able to fund universal wireless internet across campus.

The ARS system is publicized to help remove cumbersome books, books that undoubtedly have sprained countless backs with their weight and cut thousands of fingers with razor sharp pages.

The Gatling-Gun-like chains that droop from the ARS' three cranes -- Ichabod, Hart, and Stephen -- help the modern marvel respond within seconds to orders that come from one of six terminals.

Although the ARS will be at almost full capacity during construction, the university has been quietly considering plans to forge a partnership with local mortuary operations which plan to use the approximate 1,100 18-inch larger bins to store the remains of the deceased.

Jack T. Cross, president of the Good Times Funeral Center in East San Jose, is interested in using the ARS to help expand his current business capacity.

"I think the whole idea is great," Cross said. "I would definitely be first in line to start sending corpses, umm, I mean the remains of the deceased, as soon as they'd let me," he added, holding his black rimmed puritan-esque hat and grinning softly.

From the very start, the engineers of the ARS envisioned the structure housing things other than books and journals.

Evelyn Hummel, chief architect for the project, even helped design a system of refrigeration which will help the ARS maintain consistent sub-zero temperatures to protect older books and prevent corpse decay.

"The ventilation in the building is world class. The 15 cryogenic freezing generators will pump 65 tons of freezing air into the building which will continuously circulate," Hummel explained.

The university's vision, Hummel admits, was not wholly original. The box office hit, The Matrix, helped inspire the main architects, HK Systems, generate the project idea.

"You know the part of The Matrix where all the humans are in rows of pods, and the robot machines come and suck out their energy like batteries? That's pretty much where we got the idea for this whole thing," explains Todd Marsh, one of HK's architects.

In fact, part of the reason the ARS overshot budget was due to the high consulting fees the Wachowski Brothers, The Matrix directors, charged the university.

In addition to helping suggest specific structural issues related to the cranes, the Wachowski Brothers suggested another way the ARS could pay for itself.

Parts of their plan, however, were too controversial for some in the university planning community, who just weren't buying the possibility of decaying bodies being used as energy sources -- even if it meant the ARS would be more self-sustaining and environmentally responsible, like the new Kennedy Commons.

While some aspects of the plan, like the decayed-energy-mining, or DEM, described above, have been rejected, the university is committed to the ARS serving local society's needs as a corpse depot and book depository.

Santa Clara is also setting a new standard for innovation. Ten other universities have recently announced plans to begin similar projects shortly.

Gonzaga University in Spokane, Washington, is currently looking into some type of alumni program, which will guarantee "housing" for large donors and their families for years to come.

Charles Wyatt, director of secret project development at Gonzaga, explained, "We are really interested in how Santa Clara is making money and storing books: two important ideals that any university should aspire to."

Setting a trend, forging innovation and getting rid of books, Santa Clara's ARS promises to live up to its role as a morgue for both books and human bodies.

The versatile system will undoubtedly help contribute to the image Santa Clara prides itself with as the cutting edge Jesuit University in Silicon Valley.

Christopher Foster is an editorial writer for The Santa Clara.