Superman is not an American

By Marcos Moreno

Not long ago, I was observing the sky as I often do. I saw what looked to be a bird or a plane and quickly realized that it was, in fact, Superman. He was, no doubt, rushing off to save some damsel in distress or foil a bank robbery -- such is his chosen career as a superhero. However, I have a bone to pick with this so-called "man of steel." I researched our airborne wonder and found out that he is not a citizen of the United States, or even a citizen of this planet! I, of course, like many of you readers, was outraged to hear the news. How could we as a country let an illegal alien, like Superman, cavort around our precious, unprotected airspace? I see this lapse in judgment as an egregious mistake on the part of the American people and vow not to rest until the problem has been corrected.

Now, I admit that I was once taken in by Superman's charms, his witty banter and his superhero mystique. But no longer will I let myself get suckered into his clever disguise. He has been playing us like a fiddle, and I won't stand for it anymore. The man is an immigrant, a stranger in this country who has been taking jobs away from hard-working firefighters, police officers and other safety officials for too long.

I would like to formally recommend to the Immigration and Naturalization Service that we deport Superman. He is a threat to our national security and our economy. The man can shoot laser beams from his eyes; and if that isn't a weapon of mass destruction, then I don't know what is. There's no telling how much damage he could cause. I know what you're all thinking: Who is going to fight crime in Superman's absence? Well, we a have a far-reaching band of law enforcement officers who can do the job. Plus, we still have Batman. My only concern is how to get Superman out of this country and off of this planet. He's bulletproof, so our firearms are useless against him. I did, however, find out that he draws his superpowers from Earth's sun, and I intend to use this knowledge against him.

My plan is simple: We must begin to construct a massive wall around Earth that will completely block out the sun. Once Superman sees that he isn't wanted, he will most likely leave. Upon his departure, we can reinforce the walls with kryptonite, Superman's only known weakness, to make sure he doesn't come back. I'd rather live in total darkness than have an illegal immigrant protect this proud nation of ours.

On a personal note, I'd like to say that Superman has no place in our society. I no longer believe that he stands for truth, justice and the American way. For if he truly did, he would have gotten a green card a long time ago.

Marcos Moreno is a senior English major.