Taking over Stanford

By Marcos Moreno

It should come as no surprise that Santa Clara's student population is increasing. Just by looking around, you can tell how cramped and crowded this campus has become. We've even had to move students into Nobili Hall to compensate for the surplus.

And there isn't an end in sight.

After all, Santa Clara is growing in popularity, and the location in the heart of Silicon Valley isn't helping the matter. There are several ways to deal with this escalating problem, but the simplest and cheapest way to fix it is to annex Stanford University.

Located just minutes away in sunny Palo Alto, Stanford has a larger campus; its facilities, therefore, are well equipped to handle our overpopulation crisis. Not only would Stanford provide us with strategic educational conveniences, but it would also save us the financial hardship of trying to expand our own campus. Plus, the architecture of Stanford is somewhat similar -- we wouldn't have to change much to achieve the familiar "Santa Clara" feel.

Now students, the annexation of Stanford will be a difficult quest. It has numbers on us. But we have the toughest, most expertly trained Jesuit militia on this side of the Mississippi. They are at this moment strategizing and are willing to take up the cause. Plus, we can force every incoming freshman to enlist in the Jesuit Marine Corps. And did I mention that we are Broncos? Stanford's mascot is a tree. The last time I checked, Broncos eat trees for breakfast. I've done some reconnaissance and found that most of them look like us, so we could move in right under their noses. If we ambush under the cover of night, Stanford will never know what hit them.

Once we have Stanford in our clutches, we can do pretty much whatever we want. I suggest renaming the university SCU Palo Alto or Locatelli University. And as soon as we are ready, we can start shipping our students to learn in their modern classrooms, eat in their dining halls and sleep in their dorms. Of course we'll need students, teachers and service professionals, but obtaining the extra help should be simple once the world has witnessed our might.

Now, you may be worried about the students of Stanford -- the innocent bystanders. Assuming they don't escape during the siege, they will be imprisoned in Swig -- the new maximum security detention center. The former students will be invited to continue their studies during their imprisonment, lasting no longer than four years. But once Stanford falls, it will be no more.

Solving the overpopulation crisis will be no easy feat, but I know Santa Clara is up to the challenge. This college is expanding, not just locally, but globally. You can't spell university without universe. Let's be honest: Stanford is only the beginning.

Marcos Moreno is a senior English major.