The good, the bad and the stupid

By Colleen Sinsky

If you're one of those readers of The Santa Clara who skims the front headlines and then jumps to the most exciting section of the paper, the weekly Campus Safety Reports, you're not alone. For those of us who appreciate knowing about alcohol transports, large dogs without leashes and other not so smooth moments at Santa Clara, here's a compilation of the last four years of students doing their Jesuit education proud.

First, we have the klutzy; those moments where retelling the story later probably hurts as much as the injury:

11/12/06: A non-affiliate female was accidentally hit on her head with a stick during dance practice in the Benson Center. CSS and SCU EMS responded.

5/11/07: A student was accidentally hit in the face by a golf ball while playing around at the south side of Sobrato Hall. CSS and SCU EMS responded.

2/1/07: A Swig Hall resident accidentally fell off her bed and injured her nose. CSS and SCU EMS responded.

1/26/09: A student injured her face when a classroom door opened into her. She was transported to Cowell Health Center by CSS.

Fail.

10/11/09: A student injured her ankle while walking in her high heel shoes. CSS and SCU EMS responded.

Epic fail.

Then there are those moments that make you pause and wonder if we're really supposed to be the young men and women responsible for upholding the American economy in the very near future:

5/13/08: A student was seen running around on Kennedy Mall without any clothing on. He was documented and escorted back to his room by Campus Safety.

12/20/08: Four students were observed damaging a tree and carrying away the tree along with its support poles. CSS responded to the area and was able to identify and question the students.

No tree huggers at Santa Clara!

2/20/09: A Swig Hall elevator stopped working when several of the occupants were simultaneously jumping inside the elevator car. Campus Safety and a technician responded.

Myth confirmed.

And, of course, there are the pranks.

10/24/07: A Swig Hall resident reported that his room door lock had been super-glued by an unknown person.

10/26/07: The door lock to a Swig Hall resident's room was reported super-glued for the second time.

"There's an old saying in Tennessee...I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee...that says, fool me once, shame on...shame on you. Fool me...you can't get fooled again." That wisdom courtesy of President George W. Bush, Sept. 17 2002.

4/7/07: Unknown person(s) launched a water balloon through a Dunne Hall resident's room window, damaging the window pane.

3/15/10: A student reported receiving harassing text messages from an unknown person; then someone entered his room and removed his mattress and left it on the Dunne Hall volleyball court. Campus Safety responded to document the incident.

One dark night, the East Side of campus was visited by a ninja:

10/22/06: An unidentified male was reported jumping from parked car to parked car in the Dunne parking lot. CSS responded to document the incident and resulting damage.

Even Santa Clara occasionally experiences a high-speed car chase:

3/24/07: A student took a university electric cart from the Dunne Hall parking lot and drive it off campus to Lafayette Street and the El Camino Real. CSS was able to catch up with the student and questioned him.

The cart was taken back to the university and the student was documented.

Some Campus Safety Reports seem to have come straight from the archives of TextsFromLastNight.com:

5/9/09: A female student was observed urinating in a Dunne Hall elevator.

10/2/09: Two non-affiliates, a male and a female, were found engaged in inappropriate activity inside a parked car on the Cowell Health Center access road. Campus Safety and SCPD responded to investigate.

They were given a trespass warning and asked to stay off campus property.

10/17/09: An intoxicated alumnus was observed destroying a custom balloon display for the Grand Reunion event. Campus Safety responded to investigate.

Other reports are just bizarre:

1/28/10: A student was observed walking around campus carrying a large stick. He was approached by Campus Safety and questioned.

4/20/07: Several dozen oranges were found strewn in the Loyola Hall parking lot.

9/23/09: A staff member reported being jumped on by a small dog that was running loose in Varsi Hall. She declined medical assistance.

12/14/09: A former student and his brother were reported using the library computers to view pornographic Web sites. They were admonished and documented by Campus Safety, and asked not to return to campus property.

The most disturbing aspect of this -- why watch porn with your brother?

Finally, we learn the most effective method of settling a territorial dispute with a roommate:

9/21/09 A resident reportedly urinated in the drawer of her roommate's desk. Campus Safety and Residence staff responded.

Colleen Sinsky is a senior economics major.