The Hangover Cures that Work

By Austin Rutherford

The hangover is a horrible reality that strikes with the precision of an RPG after a night of drinking like a sailor. It has been known through the generations as ale-passion, pot-verdigo, barley-mood and, my personal favorite, Monday head. The remedies are few and far between, but the pain is not.

Remedies for a hangover are rumored to be in the millions, yet none are proven to work. The only way I have found to cure a hangover is the old "hair of the dog that bit you" technique — also known as drinking more. And this is hardly a cure, because it only prolongs the inevitable, right?

I've tried the hair of the dog trick many-a-time and it has never been a complete success. It was not until after I combined philosophy and drinking that I discovered a cure (through the help of a smarter philosopher). Josh Parsons wrote "The Eleatic Hangover Cure," which presents the argument that you can, in fact, cure a hangover with a particular drinking process.

In order to use alcohol to cure a hangover, the amount of time that a particular amount of alcohol functions to ward off one's imminent hangover must be known. Once this time is known, the process is simple.

After a night of drinking, you wake up in the morning and begin with one shot. Hypothetically speaking, one shot of alcohol prolongs the hangover by an hour. 59 minutes after taking that shot you would take half a shot, thus prolonging your hangover by another 30 minutes.

Twenty-nine minutes later, you take a quarter of a shot, which prolongs your hangover for another 15 minutes. Follow this process until you are at a miniscule fraction and you have effectively cured your hangover, as it will only affect you for a fraction of a second.

This was the most academically appealing cure for hangovers, but I have also found others. Tomatoes were listed as a great cure. The vitamins and other nutrients they provide, plus their hydrating capabilities, are perfect for hangovers. What does this mean for you and I? It means drinking more Micheladas and Bloody Marys when you are engaging in liquid libations. It also means drinking tomato juice or use marinara sauce in whatever you eat the next day.

Another common remedy cited for hangovers is sex. Frank M. Paulsen researched hangovers extensively and he found that sex, "acts as a stimulant and as a consequence cure the hangover." Raising your blood pressure, sweating and physical activity are combined when one has sex.

The most practical preventative device I have found for hangovers is a vitamin B-12 tablet. You take a B-12 pill before you drink and one the next morning. It works like magic. B-12 absorption is hindered by alcohol according to hangover-cures.com and, thus, by supplementing extra, you solve this issue. B-12 itself helps with the production of red blood cells, which thereby protects your liver when drinking if taken on a consistent basis.

In my research, I came across a piece investigating hangover cures from American folklore. Before I give the recipe, understand I know that it sounds disgusting, but compare it to the head throbbing, hands shaking, skin-shivering hangover that it might ward off.

The recipe says, "coat the inside of a glass with oil, mix the yellow of an egg, paprika, tomato ketchup and Worcestershire sauce together in the glass. Eat it."

I have not tried this recipe yet, but I may tomorrow. All in all, the hangover is horrible and many must face it (maybe not must, but do).

Here is where I am supposed to say that the easiest way to cure a hangover is not to drink, but I am not writing fiction here. I am simply trying to inform the alcohol-consuming student body of their options if they do choose to drink and face the Monday head.

Arthur Rutherford is a senior double major in philosophy and political science.