The Truth About...

By Amy Magruder and Annie Countryman

What your parents couldn't tell you and your roommate doesn't know...yet.

The following is a set of guidelines for the incoming freshman class...no, they didn't come just from us, but from the knowledge of a variety of upper-classmen. These statistics and results have arrived to us via a survey of many students nationwide as well as potential psychologists and politically incorrect sexologists.

So, you like being in college? No curfew, no lies to the folks, just good old-fashioned fun. Yeah, we were all there once. We only wish someone could have told us these things when we were freshman.

Here's the start.

1. Get out a note card. Note: if these lists get too long, a sheet of notebook paper is acceptable.

2. On one side write: things not to do. You should include every imaginable situation you can possibly contemplate, such as: do not drive to Vegas at 4 a.m. So, if someone happens to ask you if you would like to go, you can simply show them your note card and shake your head. No explanation needed. Also, it might be that you and your new roommate are not exactly chum-chum. It's ok. Just don't ask her if she has anything you can borrow for Halloween (unless she owns a costume store), comment about the fact that she puts her underwear on hangers, say anything about how she eats three-day old pizza off the floor, or read menacing e-mails about how to destroy your roommate's life ... and then leave them lying around.

3. On the other side of the note card, write: things to do. The first thing on this list should be: if someone else has to read me my note card, or if I can only read this with one eye open, I need to go to bed. This list should also include: hiding your phone. Often you will think its a wonderful idea to give certain people a call at 3 a.m. It's not. Also, make sure to document everything. Now, this is not for your embarrassment, but it will be nice to show your children what you were like in college. Video cameras, possibly candid, can be an excellent source of entertainment and memory-refreshing.

The reason we are giving you these wonderful little pieces of advice has to do with the fact that we know. If we see someone striding towards Swig in tight black pants and a little tank top at 9 a.m. on Thursday, we know what you did last night. Naughty.