The value in knowing your worth

By Cheryl Chiu

We are all our own tragedy and our own salvation, but tragedy is a more interesting story to tell. That's why it is so easy to fall into one.

I believe the story of my own salvation began this summer, when I took the first step in confronting my fear, and decided to attend a speech recovery course called the McGuire Program to address my stuttering problem.

Since then, I've taken many small steps backward toward being afraid, toward my old self. It is interesting how the mind works. It clings to those safe, familiar things even when it knows they're doing more harm than good.

My old way of speaking caused me years of perceived humiliation, social penalty and feelings of worthlessness. But even though my conscious mind and body had made the effort to correct that way of speaking, breathing and feeling, my subconscious still resisted, without my ever knowing or being able to fight it. Only recently has it begun to give way, as I realized that what I want to do will always triumph over what my inner demons want to do.

I no longer want to force expectations on myself. I realize that it only impedes progress because the weight of expectancy can quickly become very heavy if not promptly satisfied. I was even having doubts about whether I had changed at all or if the whole thing was just a "false dawn" in my life.

The pain of that realization made me scramble to keep my foothold, push on and try 10 times harder to shut out the negative voice in my head.

Still, there are plenty of days when I know I am not working as hard as I should. To tell the truth, I don't know what to do about it. I feed myself the excuse that I'm still young, but I know I'm really not a child anymore.

I now know myself better than ever before, and I know what things I should push myself to do and what things I should wait for. I used to let everyone except myself decide this for me, but it seems now to be the most ridiculous behavior that any adult can commit -- why not take control of your own life if you're capable of doing it?

I guess my word of advice through all of this is to attempt to like yourself. Try to love your weaknesses, for they are ultimately what will define you. Adore them, take care of them, then kick them out into the world and see how they fend for themselves.

I have been continually surprised by how strong some of my weak points can become, as long as I stop nurturing them because it is more comfortable.

It's in times of sadness and weakness that we must really take a look at ourselves and see how we are dealing with adversity. This can only be measured by how we are treating other people, and more importantly, by how we are treating ourselves.

I know I have a bad habit of beating myself up relentlessly over any flaws in behavior. I also know when I engage in this, it only depresses me and tires me out. And still, I will beat myself up.

At the end of the day, the only one who will care the most about you is yourself. Albert Camus' idea of "the indifference of the world" is a concept I didn't even realize I was struggling with until I read Camus' work.

When I read those words, everything in my world gave a simultaneous "click," and I understood where all my bitterness had come from. It came from my realizing, at a very young age, the indifference of the world.

Realizing why kids in school would copy the way I talked and then laugh about it, why people in stores and coffee shops would smirk or ask if I was trying to be funny, why people would tell me to breathe, slow down and then leave me be, as if that would cure a neurologically-based disorder.

I realized this, slowly and painfully, over the years, until I just wanted to shut myself off from the world. But I kept taking it. And I'm very glad I did, because in my quest for inner peace, I stumbled upon a wonderful group of people who understood exactly what I was going through. And together, we started to solve just one little piece of this big puzzle.

Now, regardless of the indifference of the world, I know that I will never again be indifferent toward myself. I know what my goals are and what I have to do to attain them, and it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I know they are worth achieving because I finally know I am worth it.

Cheryl Chiu is a sophomore psychology major.