The year to come

By Jack Ferdon

You can take the following prognostications about the upcoming year in sports to the bank:

- During an American victory at the Ryder Cup, Tiger Woods will become so enraged at a spectator taking a photograph during his backswing that, instead of his usual, "Gosh darn it," he says, "Why you be frontin', beotch?

- In the World Series, the Giants take out the A's in six, but in the offseason Jeff Kent, Dusty Baker, and GM Brian Sabean flee Barry Bonds like the plague via free agency.

- When the Imax theater in Atlanta burns down, John Smoltz, the Braves' combed-over closer will save the day once again by allowing "Apocalypse Now" to be shown on his forehead.

- Magic Johnson will contract a deadly form of West Nile Virus. He succumbs to the disease in the year 2055.

- In college football, Notre Dame gets thrashed by Florida State and USC and gets left out of the BCS. Meanwhile, Florida State beats Miami for the national title.

- The Denver Broncos clobber the New England Patriots in the AFC Championship and then inch by the New Orleans Saints to win the Super Bowl.

- Melissa Stark will get sloppy drunk during Monday Night Football and call out John Madden for always trying to get her alone in his bus. She will then flash Niners' QB Jeff Garcia, who will run away in horror.

- Al Davis will need to hire Jeffrey Skilling from Enron to handle the Raiders' screwed-up salary cap after the season.

- Serena Williams will nail down the grand slam of tennis, winning all four major tournaments.

- Augusta National will admit tennis player Lindsay Davenport to its membership. A month later, the exclusive golf club will deign to national feminist organizations and admit its first woman.

- The U.S. women's basketball team will trounce the U.S. men, as will the Argentine women's team, the Glascow Quilting Society and, most unbelievably, the Golden State Warriors.