When I say S.F. club circuit, I really mean meat market

By Mayka Mei

SAN FRANCISCO -- No overview of Bay Area nightclubs would be complete without some mention of the popular club circuit, SFClubs. The joint venture, which has been around for more than six years, manages four of the area's best-known clubs: Rouge, City Nights, The X and Club NV. For the purposes of this review, NV is the club du jour.

It's worth noting, however, that SFClubs also takes care of its 18-and-up constituents. Fridays at The X and weekends at City Nights are open to anyone with a legal ID.

SFClubs used to run Sound Factory in San Francisco and The Forum, now under new management and renamed Abyss, in Sunnyvale, another one of few regular hosts to the over-18 crowd.

Younger clubbers will be interested to know that Abyss still has its Tuesday "College Nights," so even if you're in the three-year limbo between 18 and 21, you've got a place to go in the South Bay.

Last Friday, however, I found my 22-year-old self sitting pigeon-side as my friend "Melissa" drove us to NV. Despite the vow I made when I had turned 21, I was in for another SFClub night.

Few things in this world are constant and unchanging, and one of them is the rage of hormones at SFClubs. These are mainstream, popular places, but if you're not interested in being on your guard all night long you may want to park yourself in their VIP areas.

SFClubs are not for the unassertive. Go prepared.

April 14, 2006, 11:50 p.m. -- Player Parking in San Francisco: Major score!

No matter where you go in San Francisco, parking is going to be a hassle. Street parking is hard to come by, plus you have to factor in which type of district you're in. Clubs in more downtown areas, like Ruby Skye, tend to be closer to more legitimate parking structures, but they also charge top dollar.

Be advised: NV is not downtown and the area around is not the nicest at this hour. Circle the vicinity enough times and hopefully you can snag a curb-side spot as somebody else pulls out, saving you from shelling out either $5 or $10 to park in the somehow-shadier lots.

Note: Don't bother going to SF if your driver can't parallel park.

Midnight -- Friends in all the right places

We arrive at the club precisely at the time guest list privileges close. In Guest List Speak, on time is late, but we act like we don't know it's midnight.

We phone our friend on the inside, "Syreeta," who's promoting for Bay Area promotions crew VC9 Productions. Syreeta sends her boss outside and we get in for the guest list $5. Sweet. Why pay the full $20 when you've got connections?

Note: It pays to know promoters.

12:05 a.m. -- Off to a good start

So far we've scored well-lit player parking and guest list privileges. I pass up the coat check girl and am pleased that I have no items to put on hold. Three bucks a ticket? No thanks. Travel light.

Suddenly, the night's Excitement Meter jumps ten barsâ?¦

A warped version of rock-meets-Yay Area-rap fills the air. Don Lynch, resident DJ with Wild 94.9, has put on "White Girl," my favorite track on E-40's "My Ghetto Report Card."

Don Lynch is my new best friend. (He was also my dance teammate's high school Senior Ball date, but that's a different story.)

The rest of the clubbers know what's up. White girls take their cue and maneuver their ways onto the VIP go-go cages and raised dance floor. They work it out while all the non-Caucasians (and there are many) give them props with the infectious hook, "White girl, white girl, white girl, white girlâ?¦"

If I go to a Bay Area club, I expect the DJ to give a nod to Bay Area music artists. Don Lynch lets their beats be known.

12:15 a.m. -- Crowd control

Upstairs is the Cabana Room spinning salsa, meringue and reggaeton.

Getting upstairs to the Cabana Room is a whole lot of no fun.

Working our way up the steep, skinny staircase is just uncomfortable. The rail feels sticky, I feel like the face of the guy behind me is unwelcomingly close to my posterior and at the top of the stairs is a creepy-looking man who just stares at me and grabs my wrist. Help!

I weasel my way out of his grasp and hug the railing next to Melissa. As I give the club an analytical once-over, I conclude that this place is just poorly designed. The traffic up and down the stairs is totally unsafe. People are clogged at the bottom of the stairs, spilling into one of the bar areas and blocking one of the main passages.

The Fire Marshall must have a heyday with this place.

12:30 a.m. -- Sanctuary!

Melissa notes that NV's scene looks like it belongs in a movie. I agree. The décor is great: It's a blend of techno-industrial with VIP lounge highlights of red walls and kitsch chandeliers.

A tall, young black man walks by in a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air jacket. He wins the evening's award for best dressed.

1:00 a.m. -- Brace yourselvesâ?¦

We finally make our way onto the main floor. Then comes all the unwanted SFClub attention I know and despise. SFClubs cater to a very specific group that basically entails heterosexual night owls who want to get their freak on. If that's your deal, that's fine, but for me it's too much.

A good portion of the night is spent pushing men's hands off of my hips and beelining to safe spots.

1:25 a.m. -- So close!

Fresh Prince Jacket comes up and introduces himself. Apparently he's a promoter for SFClubs, but I just want his jacket. He tells me Quincy Jones gave it to him and gives me three free passes to Rouge and I run off. (These passes are up for grabs. See box for info.)

1:39 a.m. -- Let me see your grill.

My friends and I head outside for some much needed fresh air.

Syreeta introduces us. Melissa and I zoom in on his mouth. Melissa nails it: "He has a grill!"

I have to refresh on my surroundings. This is definitely not Studio 8.

2:15 a.m. -- We shall not be left out.

We're back dancing when a friend of Melissa's comes up to us. He happens to have VIP access so we do the necessary and head upstairs into the lounge.

The VIP lounge provides a wonderful break from the freak fest below. Vents in the ceiling breathe cool air upon us and the blue-lit personal VIP booths make me think of ice cubes.

A photographer offers us a black-and-white framed photo for $10. We decline and carry on with our cool down, a nice end to an interesting evening.

Contact Mayka Mei at (408) 551-1918 or m1mei@scu.edu.