Where not to take the parents
By Maggie Beidelman
It's been four years, and finally my parents make it out for parent weekend. Thankfully, this has given me plenty of time to plan on where to take them -- or rather, where it is safe to take them.
For the sake of financial and physical security, refer to this checklist of places to avoid taking your parents during this ultimate Bronco-pride publicity stunt of a weekend -- or, God forbid, Mommy and Daddy might remember what college life is really like.
1. Your dorm room
Let's be honest, your dorm room is not as tidy or innocent as it was that first day your parents helped you move in. Attend the university's workshops, take them to "The Marriage of Figaro" -- do anything you can to avoid their gasps of fright and raised eyebrows of concern at that moldy thing growing on your sink or the questionable stain on your roommate's bed. They might not believe you when you say it's soy sauce.
2. The Hut
Though some students would disagree with me, taking your parents to The Hut can lead to only two things: embarrassment at the sight of drunken Santa Clara students trying to dance, or embarrassment at the sight of your drunken parents trying to dance.
3. Benson
On second thought, you might win a sympathy vote with your parents once they taste the disappointment of overpriced blandness.
4. The library
Though it may seem like the No. 1 destination on your parent weekend list, a trip to the ridiculously tech-savvy library could leave your parents feeling, well, old. And considering the checks they've been writing lately, you might want to be a bit more considerate.
5. Your boyfriend's bathroom
You don't want to give your parents' imagination practice, especially after seeing the yellow stains and leftover hairs from the person you get most intimate with.
6. Any frat house
Red cups don't lie.
7. Your human sexuality class
Parents could get nostalgic and attempt to outshine you in the classroom. And let's face it, you probably don't want to hear what they'd have to contribute to this subject.
8. Anywhere within a three-mile radius of school
Everyone else's parents will be there, too. Mobs of anxious middle-agers trying to remember what they purposely forgot about college by attending their college students' parent weekend -- all this adds up to a bad experience.
9. Smoke This!
There will be no smoking, no loitering and no trespassing on parent weekend, so we can keep up this image of proper collegiate intellectuals Santa Clara pretends we are.
10. The Pink Poodle strip club
Just in case.